Screamer
by Shallow Hallow Man
Summary: The sequel to Please Don't Scream. A horror parody of Scream, Urban Legend and the scariest movie of all Big Momma's House. Please read and review.
1. The Death of Joey and Kenny Osment

Screamer.  
  
THE CURSE OF THE SMILEY-FACED KILLER.  
  
Scene 1: The Death of Joey and Kenny Osment.  
  
Caption: Halloweenie 2001.  
  
The phone rings and Kenny picks it up.  
  
Kenny: Hello.  
  
Voice: I'm going to kill you, I'm going to chop you up like liver, slice you like salami. You're going to die tonight!  
  
Kenny: (Nodding all through this) Ah ha and who is this?  
  
Voice: Who is this?  
  
Kenny: Hey, you rang me!  
  
Voice: This is Joey Osment isn't it?  
  
Kenny: No this is his father Kenny.  
  
Voice: Oh. Can I please talk to Joey then?  
  
Kenny: Sure I'll just get him. Joey phone call.  
  
Joey gets up and grabs the phone and then sits back down.  
  
Joey: Hello.  
  
Voice: Do you want to die tonight?  
  
Joey: Who is this?  
  
Voice: The question isn't who am I the question is where am I.  
  
Joey: So where are you?  
  
Voice: You're front door.  
  
Joey: Oh sure.  
  
Joey gets up and goes to the door. He opens it carefully and goes outside.  
  
Joey: So where are you?  
  
Voice: Right here.  
  
Joey: Can you see me right now?  
  
Voice: Ah ha.  
  
Joey: (sticks his finger up his nose) Ah ha. Okay. What am I doing? Ha! What am I doing? Hello? Nice try. Bye now.  
  
Voice: If you hang up on me you'll die just like your mother.  
  
Joey: My mother's not dead.  
  
Voice: Oh well you'll die anyway.  
  
Joey: Oh sure. I'm really scared.  
  
Joey hangs up.  
  
The killer is at the kitchen window.  
  
Joey: Oh my god!  
  
He grabs a knife and runs out the side door and hides behind the BBQ.  
  
The killer appears at the gate.  
  
Joey: Oh.  
  
Joey runs round to the front door hitting a tree on the way.  
  
Joey looks around and the front door is open.  
  
The killer jumps through the front door grabbing Joey.  
  
Joey kicks him off and runs into the front yard.  
  
The killer catches up to him, covers his mouth and somebody throws a custard pie at the killer and then he stabs Joey in the chest. Joey is on the ground. Joey hits away his knife but he stabs him again. He kicks the killer off him and struggles to the front door.  
  
Joey: Dad.  
  
He falls to the ground and the killer stabs him again.  
  
Cut to Kenny is his study.  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
Kenny: I'm coming.  
  
He gets to the door and opens it. Joey's body falls in.  
  
Kenny: No not Joey. Who did this? If you're down here I'd watch out! I know Judo, Karate, Wrestling, Boxing, Kickboxing and Matrix!  
  
The killer appears from the kitchen.  
  
Killer: Matrix?  
  
Kenny: Ah ha. Watch.  
  
He walks into the lounge room and stands in the middle.  
  
Kenny: Alright throw that knife at me.  
  
Killer: Okay.  
  
Kenny: Wait… (He picks up a tennis ball) Better start with something-easier first.  
  
He throws the ball to the Killer.  
  
Kenny: Now throw it at me.  
  
The tennis ball hits him.  
  
Kenny: No wait until I say now.  
  
Kenny starts to do the Matrix duck.  
  
Kenny: Now!  
  
The killer throws the ball at him. In Slow-Mo he dodges it and then falls down.  
  
Kenny: Ah wait a minute.  
  
He tries bending back again but nearly falls down.  
  
Killer: You can't do Matrix moves.  
  
Kenny: Oh yeah. Run towards me.  
  
The killer runs towards him and Kenny levitates into the air. The camera spins around him and then he falls down.  
  
Kenny: Damn. Need more practice. Last move.  
  
Kenny starts to run across the wall but then falls to the ground.  
  
The killer comes to him.  
  
Kenny: Bye, bye Kenny.  
  
A postman enters the room very slowly. (Walking on the Sun plays)  
  
Kenny thinking: Oh my what a handsome man!  
  
Killer thinking: Just look at that chest.  
  
Postman: Kenny Osment.  
  
Kenny: Yeah that's me.  
  
The postman takes off his sunglasses and hands Kenny a parcel.  
  
Postman: Sign here please.  
  
Kenny signs his name.  
  
Kenny: And I wrote my phone number too. You know maybe we could get together some time.  
  
The killer jealously grabs the clipboard and writes something.  
  
Killer: There, I wrote my phone number, fax, mobile and e-mail address. Call me.  
  
Postman: Thank you boys. (He winks and grins then leaves)  
  
Kenny opens the package and takes out a mobile phone. It rings.  
  
Kenny: Hello.  
  
1 Voice: Hello Kenny do you know who this is?  
  
Kenny: Morphius.  
  
Voice: No it's grandpa.  
  
Kenny: Grandpa I'm in a pretty bad situation here.  
  
Grandpa: And I can get you out of it.  
  
Kenny: How?  
  
Grandpa: I can guide you but you have to do exactly what I tell you.  
  
Kenny: Okay.  
  
Grandpa: First thing to do is roll out of the way.  
  
2 Kenny (rolls across the floor and the knife just misses him): How do you know all this?  
  
Grandpa: I'm just guessing really. Now run up to the end of the house.  
  
Kenny runs all the way upstairs.  
  
Grandpa: Now the only way to defeat the killer (beeps)  
  
Woman's voice: To continue this call please insert 10 cents.  
  
Kenny: But it's a mobile phone!  
  
Woman's voice: I said insert 10 cents moron.  
  
Kenny: Damn.  
  
He hangs up and the killer is right behind him.  
  
Kenny: Uh oh.  
  
The killer lifts him up and stabs a knife in his back. Blood comes out of mouth. The killer drops the body.  
  
Kenny: Goodbye cruel world.  
  
Kenny jumps up.  
  
Kenny: And in case I don't see ya good afternoon, good evening and good night.  
  
He falls down dead.  
  
Title Card: HALLOWEENIE. THE CURSE OF THE SMILEY-FACED KILLER. 


	2. The Lair's Move In

Scene 2: The Lair's move in and meet Mr. Jameso.  
  
Caption: Halloweenie 2002.  
  
Ken: Here we are kids our new home.  
  
David: I love it already.  
  
Belinda: I sense evil spirits in this house.  
  
Ken: Oh Belinda there's no evil spirits in this house. It's just a normal everyday house.  
  
Dylan: My nappy's full.  
  
Ken: Dylan, you're not wearing a nappy.  
  
Dylan: Oh. (Embarrassed laugh) Uh-oh.  
  
Belinda: When's our furniture coming?  
  
Ken: It's not. The family that lived here before left all their stuff.  
  
David: Where do we sleep?  
  
Ken: Well, I sleep in the bedroom at the very end of the house, Belinda's room is upstairs first on the left and your's and Dylan's is next to Belinda's.  
  
Dylan: Hey dad what's that?  
  
Dylan is pointing to a red stain on the floor.  
  
Belinda: Look's like blood.  
  
Dylan: What?  
  
Ken: Belinda don't say that. You're scaring your brother.  
  
David: Probably just tomato sauce or something.  
  
Ken: No actually it is blood.  
  
The kids: Huh!  
  
Ken: You see kids there's something I didn't tell you about this house. You see a long, long time ago the Jameso's, that was the first family who lived in this house decided to get a swimming pool. But to their horror no swimming pool was small enough for their backyard so they couldn't get one.  
  
Belinda: And what has that got to do with the blood?  
  
A flashback begins and Ken is the narrator.  
  
Ken: Well, the Jameso family were happy and always kind and sharing until one dreadful night. The 31st of October 2000. Halloweenie. Mr. Jameso had been very sick and delusional the last few days and on Halloweenie he just snapped. He pretended to kill himself but his kids didn't even care! So he dressed up in a mask and costume and while they were playing an innocent game of catch the ball he killed Stu. His kids Barry and Julie got away that time but later on he found them and killed them to. The police looked but couldn't find him. A few months later a new family moved into this house. A man named Kenny Osment and his son Joey. They were also killed. And now we are here.  
  
Belinda: Why?  
  
Ken: Why what?  
  
Belinda: Why did we move to this murder house? The killer might come back.  
  
Ken: It was David's idea.  
  
David: Well I thought it would be a great place to shoot my own horror movie.  
  
Belinda: You're really going to film your own horror movie.  
  
David: Yep.  
  
Belinda: That is such a stupid idea.  
  
David: What was the name of that killer again?  
  
Ken: Mr. Jameso.  
  
David: Yeah, what do you know about him?  
  
Ken: I know how he killed his victims.  
  
David: Really! How?  
  
Ken: Well to begin he used to sneak up quietly behind his victims…  
  
The killer starts sneaking up behind Ken.  
  
Belinda: Dad!  
  
Ken: Let me finish. Then he would hold his knife up high…  
  
The killer holds his knife up high.  
  
Dylan: Dad watch out!  
  
Ken: Ssh. And stab the victim hard in the back over and over until he was…  
  
The killer stabs him in the back and he falls onto the ground.  
  
Belinda: Dad!  
  
Ken starts laughing and he gets up.  
  
Ken: Good work.  
  
Ken hi fives the killer and the killer takes off his cloak and mask.  
  
Belinda: Who are you?  
  
Guy: Well lets just say I'm not Mr. Jameso!  
  
Everyone starts laughing. (Mr. Jameso has a big scar on his left cheek)  
  
David: That's not what your badge says.  
  
His badge says: Mr. Jameso, Qualified member of KA. (The scar keeps changing places)  
  
Dylan: What's KA?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Well you've all heard of the AA club haven't you?  
  
David: Alcoholics Anonymous.  
  
Mr. Jameso: That's right. So can you guess what KA stands for?  
  
Dylan: Nappy fillers Anonymous?  
  
Mr. Jameso: What?  
  
Dylan: That's what I'm a member of. (He holds up an NFA badge)  
  
Mr. Jameso: KA anybody else? It stands for Killer's Anonymous.  
  
David: You're not going to kill us are you?  
  
Mr. Jameso: No. I'm fine now. I haven't killed anyone for exactly 1 year.  
  
Dylan: If you don't mind me asking, how'd you get that scar?  
  
Mr. Jameso: What this little thing? (Mr. Jameso points to a tiny scar on his left cheek)  
  
Dylan: No. That one.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh this. (The scar in now huge) Well I got it a long, long time ago when I was about eight or nine. You see I was practicing killing techniques in the kitchen you know through the heart, into the head the usually stuff. I learned fast and I decided to try the ultimate move. The air drop. It's when you spin your knife up into the air, it rebounds off the roof and lands right smack bang in the middle of the victims skull. But I must have thrown it to hard or aimed wrong because it hit the roof and came towards my head. I tried to dodge but I was to slow and it went right across my cheek.  
  
Ken: That doesn't change my vote. (Ken turns round a card reading Mr. Jameso)  
  
Belinda: It would seem Mr. Jameso that you are the weakest link. Goodbye.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Huh?  
  
Belinda: Goodbye.  
  
Mr. Jameso: What?  
  
Everyone: Goodbye!  
  
Mr. Jameso wakes up in a bed.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Phew… It was just a dream.  
  
Ken pops his head down from the top bed.  
  
Ken: Or was it?  
  
Mr. Jameso wakes up in the hallway.  
  
Dylan: Mr. Jameso are you okay?  
  
Mr. Jameso: I just had the weirdest dream! I was talking to you and then you called me the weakest link and then I woke up.  
  
Ken: Don't worry you're back with us now.  
  
Alf: Where's the hows yer father then?  
  
Ken: Shut up. Your bit's been deleted.  
  
David: Dad I'm going to go check out my room.  
  
Ken: (Angrily) You're what?  
  
David: Gonna go check out my room.  
  
Ken: Oh that's fine.  
  
We start seeing things from David's handheld camera. (In background)  
  
Ken: Mr. Jameso, would you like to stay the night? We have a spare room  
  
Mr. Jameso: Sure.  
  
In David's room: David talks to his camera.  
  
David: Dear video diary, Today my family moved into a new house. And I shouldn't even be here. I'm meant to be on a Road Trip.  
  
Flashback-Road Trip.  
  
Four boys (David, Tony, Jim and Jo all with huge goatees) throw some bags into the car.  
  
David: Everything packed?  
  
3 boys: Yep.  
  
David: Got your toothbrush Jim?  
  
Jim: Yes. What do you think I am a baby?  
  
Jim runs inside and comes out with a toothbrush in his pocket.  
  
David: Alright lets go!  
  
They all rush into the car.  
  
David: Something's missing.  
  
Altogether: Keys!  
  
Jo: I'll go get them.  
  
David: Thanks Jo.  
  
Jo comes back into the car with the keys and passes them to David.  
  
David: One,  
  
Tony: Two.  
  
Jo: Three,  
  
Jim: Four.  
  
Altogether: Road trip!  
  
David starts the engine and it fails.  
  
David: Don't worry guys, just needs some warming up.  
  
He tries again but fails.  
  
Tony: Come on Dave.  
  
David: Tony, I'm trying.  
  
He tries again and fails.  
  
David: Damn! Sorry boys, Road trips cancelled.  
  
The boys grumble and get out of the car.  
  
Back in David's room.  
  
David: And that's why I'm stuck here for the holidays.  
  
Suddenly it goes black and camera zooms up on David's eyes and nose. (Blair Witch)  
  
David: I'm so sorry to Tony's mum and Tony's dad, I didn't mean for him to have to stay at home for summer break. And I'm sorry to Jo's mum and dad for having to cancel your holiday on account of Jim being home. And Jim's parents I'm so sorry for making you have to put up with Jo on account that he never washes and he steals and swears and…  
  
The lights come back on.  
  
David: Anyway I think I've wandered a bit off track on what I was saying so this is David Lair signing off. 


	3. Ben Willis

Scene 3: Ben and Sarah Willis are killed.  
  
Ben Willis is walking home talking on his phone.  
  
Ben: Listen, can you please get me a part where I can play a woman I'm sick of this fake moustache. (Beeps) Hang on I'm getting another call.  
  
He presses a button.  
  
Ben: (In girl voice) Hello, I mean (In man voice) Hello.  
  
Voice: Hi.  
  
Ben: Um, why'd you ring me?  
  
Voice: Oh, I'm sorry I must have the wrong number. But you sound familiar. Are you on TV or something?  
  
Ben: Well…  
  
Voice: You sound just like that actor, um Ben Willis. I think he has a really nice voice.  
  
Ben: Why thank you.  
  
Voice: Hang on you are him aren't you?  
  
Ben: Yes, you caught me.  
  
Voice: Oh wow.  
  
Ben: So what's your favourite movie on mine?  
  
Voice: I think it's called (switching to killer's voice) The day Ben Willis was killed.  
  
Ben: What?  
  
Voice: Tell me where I can find Mike Myers and Jason Vorhees.  
  
Ben: The actors?  
  
Voice: Yes, the actors now tell me or your sister dies right now.  
  
Ben: Where are you?  
  
Voice: I'm in your house. Watching your sister. She's very pretty.  
  
We see him in the house watching the sister (Martin in drag).  
  
Ben: Stay away from her.  
  
Voice: Then tell me where I can find Mike and Jason.  
  
Ben: I don't know.  
  
Voice: You're going to have to do better than that.  
  
Ben: I really don't know.  
  
Voice: I'm sorry that's not good enough. Bye.  
  
Ben: No!  
  
Ben starts running home.  
  
In the Willis house Sarah is putting eggs, sauce, chips, milk etc. in a glass. She gets ready to drink it when suddenly the CD player starts.  
  
Sarah wanders into the lounge room.  
  
Sarah: Ben is that you?  
  
She turns off the CD player.  
  
The killer in Ben's voice: Yes, Sarah it's me.  
  
Sarah: I'll start dinner. How was work?  
  
Killer: It was okay. We shot the final scenes for "Hurt". That's premiering tonight.  
  
Sarah: Oh we'll have to watch it.  
  
Cut to Ben running.  
  
Back in the kitchen where Sarah is about to drink the yuck drink again when she hears a bang.  
  
Sarah: Ben what are you doing?  
  
No sound so Sarah starts walking upstairs.  
  
Sarah: Ben! You know I don't like your scary movie games.  
  
The killer jumps out of the room at the end of the house.  
  
Sarah: Ah!  
  
Sarah runs into the laundry and locks the door.  
  
Killer in Ben's voice: Sarah it was a joke. I was just taking the game to the next level.  
  
Sarah: Game? Ben you've gone crazy.  
  
Killer in Ben's voice: Come on Sarah let me in so… I can rip your slimy guts out!  
  
Ben gets to the door and goes in the house. The killer has gone from outside the door.  
  
Ben: Sarah.  
  
Sarah: Go away!  
  
Ben: Sarah it's me Ben. What's wrong?  
  
Sarah: Just get lost you psycho.  
  
Ben: Sarah I don't understand, what's happened?  
  
Sarah: Go Ben! You need help.  
  
Ben: Let me in Sarah!  
  
Ben starts charging at the door and finally it opens.  
  
Ben: Sarah.  
  
Sarah swings a cricket bat at him.  
  
Ben: Hey! Sarah (he reaches out for her)  
  
She swings again.  
  
Sarah: Don't touch me!  
  
The killer approaches from behind her.  
  
Ben: Sarah behind you.  
  
Sarah: Oh no I' m not falling for that.  
  
Ben: Sarah watch out!  
  
The killer stabs her in the back.  
  
Ben: Noooo!  
  
The killer starts coming after him and he runs downstairs.  
  
He kicks the killer into the wall and grabs Sarah's cricket bat from the laundry. He looks downstairs and the killer has disappeared.  
  
He starts walking downstairs and a cricket ball gets thrown at him. He hits it and the killer catches it.  
  
Killer: Ows zat!  
  
The killer throws it at Ben's head and he becomes very dizzy. He starts swinging the bat around. The killer grabs it and smacks him on the side with it. He then lifts up his knife and chops off Ben's head. Ben hops up beheaded and starts running around like a headless chicken. (He is also clucking)  
  
Killer: Oh no.  
  
The killer walks into the kitchen and is about to drink the yuck drink when the doorbell rings. Ben is now just lying on the floor. The killer opens the door.  
  
Boy with monkey mask: Trick or treat.  
  
Killer: Oh, ah I'll see what I've got.  
  
The killer checks the pantry and then the fridge. He comes back with a carrot.  
  
Killer: Here you go kid.  
  
He passes the carrot to the kid.  
  
Kid: Why thanks mister.  
  
Killer: Oh that's okay.  
  
The kid comes and kicks him in the leg.  
  
Killer: Ow! Why you little brat!  
  
1 The kid runs off and the killer goes back inside angrily.  
  
Killer: I need a drink.  
  
He is about to drink the yuck drink again when the doorbell rings.  
  
Killer: Oh not again.  
  
He answers the door.  
  
Little girl with paper bag mask: Trick or Treat!  
  
Killer: Trick or Treat!  
  
He picks her up angrily and throws her into the carport.  
  
Little girl: Oh.  
  
The killer slams the door only to hear the doorbell again. He opens the door.  
  
Killer: Yes.  
  
Three kids dressed up as ghost: Trick or Treat!  
  
Killer: Alright, kids just hang on a minute.  
  
The killer finds a watergun under the sink.  
  
Killer: Alright, kids get ready…  
  
The kids pull out much bigger water guns and start squirting him.  
  
Killer: I am going to kill you!  
  
He pulls out three knives. The camera moves away. When it moves back we see three dead kids on the ground.  
  
Killer: Happy Halloweenie!  
  
He slams the door and walks into the kitchen.  
  
He lifts up the yuck drink.  
  
Killer: I hate kids!  
  
He takes a sip of the drink  
  
Killer: Mmmm. (He looks at the drink and takes another sip) 


	4. Hurt

Scene 4: The Lairs watch TV.  
  
David Lair runs downstairs to meet his father and Dylan in the hallway.  
  
David: Dad can I turn on the TV "Hurt" is about to start.  
  
Ken: Is that movie suitable for you Dave?  
  
David: Yes and Dad it's based on the murders that happened at this house.  
  
Ken: Oh. Then I'll watch it to. Belinda.  
  
Belinda from upstairs: Yeah.  
  
Ken: Do you want to come and watch "Hurt" with us?  
  
Belinda: OK.  
  
Belinda runs dowsnstairs and she and Dave go into the TV room.  
  
Ken: How about you Dils? Are you going to come watch?  
  
Dylan: No I'm feeling a bit tired. I think I'll just go straight to bed.  
  
Dylan yawns and stretches his arms up. A huge amount of armpit hair spurts out of his underarms.  
  
Ken: Boy, you're growing up fast Dylan.  
  
Dylan: (In deep man's voice) I'm very mature for my age father. (He has now got a beard and he puffs his pipe and then he walks upstairs)  
  
Ken runs into the TV room.  
  
Ken: Has it started?  
  
David: No still five minutes.  
  
Ken: Good I'll start on the dinner dishes.  
  
Ken Lair walks over to the kitchen and David picks up a remote.  
  
David: I'll just watch the end of my video before "Hurt" starts.  
  
He presses play and Thomas the Tank Engine starts but with no sound.  
  
David: Huh?  
  
He presses stop but nothing happens.  
  
David: Stupid remote.  
  
Belinda: Just pause it.  
  
David presses pause and nothing happens but Ken Lair is paused doing the dishes.  
  
David: Dad the remotes not working.  
  
He presses slow-mo and Ken starts moving in slow motion.  
  
David: Stupid remote.  
  
He presses fast forward and then rewind.  
  
Ken fast-forwards and the rewinds.  
  
David hits the remote.  
  
David: Come on work.  
  
He presses stop and Ken and Thomas stop. Ken is quite out of breath.  
  
On the TV the news starts and Ken comes over to the TV room.  
  
TV Voiceover: And now a news update.  
  
Ken: Ah good I want to see the weather for tomorrow.  
  
News Reporter 1 (Mary): Good evening and welcome to a news update. I'm Paul…  
  
News Reporter 2 (Peter): I'm Mary…  
  
News Reporter 3 (Paul): and I'm Peter.  
  
Mary: Or am I Peter…  
  
Peter: I'm Paul…  
  
Paul: and I'm Mary.  
  
Mary: Hang on…  
  
Prompter: You're Mary.  
  
Mary: Good evening I'm Mary. Tonight on the news an Australian man Steve Loxpot won first place in the freestyle at the commonwealth games. Also police are looking for a weightlifter named Luke Mattress who was found to have used balloons instead of weights in the weightlifting competition in Rhodesia. More about those stories and others at the 10:00 news. And now over to Peter for sport.  
  
Peter: Today was a great day for sport the sun began to rise very slowly at 6:51 but by 6:54 it had picked up speed and was ready for a new day. Also today the clouds over Asia managed to drop more rain than those in New Zealand. A very triumphant victory. The sun is said to set very soon and it will pass the relay baton onto the moon who will rise into the sky at the finishing line. And now the weather with Paul.  
  
Paul: Today began quite sunny and warm when a very rich man called Mr. Money donated 10,000 dollars to every charity in the southern hemisphere and he is planning to do the Northern Hemisphere next week. But later on it became cloudy and dark when a serial killer began his rampage. The serial killer is said to have worn this mask (he holds up a smiley face mask) and he has so far killed 5 people, 3 annoying bratty kids and one famous movie star Ben Willis. Will this killer strike again? We certainly hope not but seeing as we have no clue of where he is (the killer appears behind him) or who his next on his list of victims (he stabs Mary and throws her off her chair) The police think it may have something to do with killings last Halloweenie (the killer chokes Peter) That's all for the news now but catch us at 10:00 tonight for more news. Good (he is stabbed) night.  
  
The Lairs look at each other speechless.  
  
David: Did you see that?  
  
Belinda: They were killed.  
  
David: Oh god!  
  
Belinda: What?  
  
David: Dad you bought a new watch and you didn't even tell me?  
  
Ken: Oh this I picked it up at a market last week.  
  
David: Wow!  
  
David touches it and gets an electric shock.  
  
Ken: But don't touch it, it's electric.  
  
David: Thanks for the warning.  
  
Belinda: An electric watch cool.  
  
Ken: Yes, but I've got to be careful around water because you know electricity and water don't mix.  
  
Everyone laughs.  
  
Voice from TV: If you own an electric watch be careful around water because you know electricity and water don't mix.  
  
Laughter from TV and then Ken Lair looks confused.  
  
A trailer starts on TV. A boy is in his room sitting on his bed with a pillow on his lap. He is watching a gardening show, which is getting poor reception.  
  
Man on TV: Now you've got to dig a hole.  
  
Woman on TV: That's shovel's so big.  
  
Jim: It sure is baby. (He shows his shovel)  
  
Woman on TV: Dig, dig, dig.  
  
The boys mum comes in with some clothes.  
  
Mum: Goodnight Jim.  
  
Jim: Goodnight mum.  
  
Man on TV: Now you put it in the ground.  
  
Jim is desperately trying to change the channel.  
  
Mum: What is this?  
  
Jim: Ah it's just a cartoon mum but I'm getting really bad reception.  
  
Man on TV: Pass me the watering can.  
  
Jim's dad comes in.  
  
Jim: Yep I'm all set dad, all set.  
  
Mum: I think Jim's trying to watch an illegal gardening channel.  
  
Dad: No it's just bad reception. Now give me the remote.  
  
His dad grabs the remote along with the pillow from him. He is revealed to be holding a shovel and a small plant.  
  
Mum: Oh my.  
  
Jim looks angry and sad.  
  
Caption and voiceover: American Gardening. Rated MA for Gardening scenes and Gardening references. Screening this month.  
  
Ken: Now kids you're not watching that It's MA and I wouldn't be a very good parent if I just let you watch anything. Would I?  
  
David: No.  
  
Voice on TV: If you have kids don't let them watch movies that are MA. You wouldn't be a very good parent if you just let your kids watch anything would you?  
  
Ken: No.  
  
Voice over and caption: Tonight on Notime "Hurt" the story about a guy who dresses up in a costume and kills people, then "I Know What You Did Last Trainstrike" the thriller that won three academy awards and finally in "Bourbon Legends" a guy makes old bar and pub legends come true. That's tonight's horror movie lineup on Notime.  
  
Voice over and caption: The following movie is classified PG Parental Guidance is recommended.  
  
David: Lucky dad's here.  
  
Belinda: Yeah.  
  
Caption: Hurt. Starring Ben Willis as Mr. Jameso, Mike Myers as Stu, Jason Vorhees as Barry and Candy Woman as Julie.  
  
Three kids are throwing the ball to each other. They are all staring one way as if expecting something.  
  
Julie: This is fun isn't it?  
  
Stu: Oh yes.  
  
Suddenly the smiley-faced killer comes and stabs Stu. He dies very unbelievably.  
  
Barry: Why did you do this? Who are you?  
  
Killer: I'm your worst nightmare.  
  
Belinda: Oh what an original line.  
  
Killer: And I love Coca-Cola. (He lifts up a can of coke) Enjoy the world Coca-Cola enjoy.  
  
David: Oh no. This is just going to be one of those cheap films, which have no plot but promote about 50 products. Anyway, (he lifts up a can of Pepsi) everyone knows that Pepsi is the best cola live life to the max.  
  
Barry runs to the door and starts pulling on it.  
  
Barry: Oh no it's locked from the outside.  
  
Barry is at the Lair's door to. Ken Lair looks confused. Barry runs upstairs and the killer has gone.  
  
Barry: Julie he's gone.  
  
Julie: Oh Barry your breath stinks.  
  
Barry: What can I do?  
  
Julie: Well do you know about Tic-Tacs?  
  
Barry: No.  
  
Julie: Well I use Tic-Tacs because one Tic-Tac keeps your breath fresh for 2 hours and it only has 2 calories. Great huh. (She starts sculling the Tic- Tacs)  
  
Barry: I'm going to go have a shower.  
  
Julie Okay.  
  
Caption: One year later.  
  
Barry is standing in front of the shower with just some towels on.  
  
Barry: That long shower felt so good.  
  
The killer comes in and Barry drops his towels but he is wearing more underneath.  
  
Barry: Oh no please don't kill me.  
  
The killer fake stabs him and then wipes tomato sauce on him.  
  
Barry: Nooo! Why?  
  
Killer: Because I say so.  
  
We zoom out of the television in a different room where one guy (Pro Ducer is laughing hard at the joke and eating popcorn) picks up a phone and dials a number.  
  
Di Rector: Hello.  
  
Pro Ducer: Is this Di Rector?  
  
Di Rector: Yes.  
  
Pro Ducer: This is Pro Ducer. Have you been watching our movie Hurt?  
  
Di Rector: Yeah it's hilarious.  
  
Pro Ducer: You're telling me! Hey, why don't you come over and we'll watch the end together.  
  
Di Rector: Alright I'll be right there.  
  
It is revealed that Di Rector was just in the next room and he comes over to Pro Ducer.  
  
Di Rector: Hi.  
  
Pro Ducer: Ssh Julie's about to die.  
  
Julie is running away from the killer when she falls over.  
  
Julie: Oh no I fell over and I think I've broken both of my legs.  
  
The killer comes and stabs her. He then rips of his mask.  
  
Killer: I am Mr. Jameso and I have served my country. (He does the army salute)  
  
Caption: The End. Producer: Pro Ducer, Director: Di Rector.  
  
David: Well that completely sucked.  
  
Pro Ducer: That was the best movie I've ever seen.  
  
Di Rector: I couldn't agree more.  
  
Pro Ducer: Let's watch I Know What You Did Last Trainstrike. That's sound scary. 


	5. Mike Myers and Jason Vorhees

Scene 5: Mike Myers and Jason Vorhees are killed.  
  
Outside a big house there is a signpost which reads: BADMOVIE STUDIOS.  
  
In the house Mike and Jason walk to the bathroom talking.  
  
Mike: We got some very good ratings for "Hurt".  
  
Jason: That's good.  
  
They enter the bathroom and Mike turns on the light. Jason screams.  
  
Mike: What?  
  
Jason: I hate the light, warn me next time you're going to do that. Okay?  
  
Mike: Okay. They're already starting to write the sequel.  
  
Jason: A "Hurt 2"?  
  
Mike: Yep. I'm going to be in it too.  
  
Jason: What as Stu?  
  
Mike: Ah ha.  
  
Jason: But he was killed.  
  
Mike: I know but you know sequels they always find stupid way to bring back the original cast. Are you going to be in it?  
  
Jason: I don't know, I've been offered a small part in a Mel Gibson movie.  
  
Mike: Really? As what?  
  
Jason: His bottom double in a nude scene.  
  
Mike: That's great. It should really boost your career.  
  
Jason: Shut up.  
  
Mike: Do you believe all that stuff about Halloweenie?  
  
Jason: Mike. It's just made up to scare little kids.  
  
Mike: I guess.  
  
Jason: So, what do you know about "Hurt 2"?  
  
Mike: All I know about "Hurt 2" is that it's gonna be set on Halloweenie again and it'll probably involve the smiley faced killer again.  
  
Jason: Hey, I wonder if I could be the killer in "Hurt 2"  
  
Mike: Maybe but what would be your motive?  
  
The smiley-faced killer bursts in and starts killing Mike with an axe.  
  
Mike: Help!  
  
Jason: That's a good idea, I need help. Yeah. But why?  
  
Mike: I'm dying!  
  
Jason: Yeah I have an incurable disease or something and I kill the doctors who can't find the cure? That's a great idea. Got anything else?  
  
Mike: You're a stupid idiot.  
  
Jason: Great! I can be a stupid idiot and I… Hang on. Who are you calling an idiot?  
  
He turns around and notices Mike dead.  
  
Jason: Mike!  
  
He gets up and runs out the door. (Jaws music starts and a shark fin starts chasing him)  
  
Jason: No!  
  
He is chased up and down the hallway and suddenly the shark disappears. The killer leaps up with a shark fin on his back.  
  
Jason: Ah!  
  
Jason runs down the stairs and past a window. Outside the window is a man holding up a sign reading "Hi Mum"! on it. Jason shuts the curtains and runs into the kitchen .  
  
Jason: (Noticing garlic on bench) Ahhh! Get away from me you disgusting garlic.  
  
He runs into the TV room where Pro Ducer and Di Rector are.  
  
Jason: Pro, Di I'm being chased by a killer.  
  
Jason: Guys help me!  
  
Pro Ducer: In the ad break Jason.  
  
Jason: Thanks a lot.  
  
Di Rector: Anytime.  
  
Jason runs out the front door followed by the killer. Jason runs up the driveway and rides away on his bike. Then the killer grabs a tricycle and starts chasing him. He throws it away because it's too slow. He throws his axe at Jason. It gets him in the back.  
  
Jason: Ouch!  
  
He pulls it out of his back and throws it behind him. It hits the killer on the head.  
  
Killer: Oh!  
  
He falls to the ground. Jason goes over to him to see if he's dead. The killer grabs Jason's leg and Jason runs down the driveway into the bush. The killer follows him.  
  
Jason: Help!  
  
The killer is about to stab him when he drops his knife. He goes to pick it up and accidentally picks up a wooden stake and shoves it into Jason's chest.  
  
Jason: No!  
  
Jason turns into a pile of dust.  
  
Pro Ducer in front of TV: What is this "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"?  
  
Four other monsters pop out of the bush and the killer kills them all "Buffy" style. A man wearing glasses with a book enters the scene.  
  
Man: Good work Buffy but your true quest…  
  
Killer stakes him.  
  
Di Rector: Do you think we should have helped that guy?  
  
Pro Ducer: Why? He didn't help me.  
  
Di Rector: When?  
  
Pro Ducer: A long, long time ago when I was king I was called to defeat a giant called Goliath. I asked Jason to help me but he said he was busy that day and that's how we defeated the Eskimos in the Civil War.  
  
Di Rector: I can't say I remember that.  
  
Pro Ducer: Well it was a long time ago.  
  
Di Rector: Isn't that from the Bible?  
  
Pro Ducer: No, no it happened to me.  
  
Di Rector: Hmmm. So what do you want to watch tonight?  
  
Pro Ducer: How about movie trilogies?  
  
Di Rector: What do you know about trilogies?  
  
Pro Ducer: All I know about trilogies is that all bets are off.  
  
Di Rector: Do you want to bet on that?  
  
Pro Ducer: Sure. But let's make it fun. The loser has to jump into the lake.  
  
Di Rector: Fine.  
  
Pro Ducer: Butt naked.  
  
Di Rector: Even better. (They shake hands)  
  
Pro Ducer: What shall we watch first?  
  
Di Rector: The Babe trilogy.  
  
Caption: 2 movies later.  
  
Voice over: Babe 3. Pig's Revenge.  
  
Babe: So Farmer Hoggett planning to turn me into Christmas ham were you?  
  
Farmer Hoggett: No Babe I swear.  
  
Babe: I don't believe you. Astalivista Hoggy. (Gunshot)  
  
Di Rector: Cool. 


	6. Big Micky!

Scene 6: Mick's Death.  
  
David Lair is on the phone: So Micky can you came over tonight? Great! Well see you soon. Bye.  
  
David: Micky's coming over.  
  
Belinda: Big Micky?  
  
Ken: Now Belinda be nice to Micky can't help it if he's a big ugly fatso.  
  
David: Come on be nice to him. He's tried heaps of diets and exercises but he just can't seem to stick with them.  
  
Belinda: Alright I won't tease him.  
  
Ken: And I won't tease tubby either.  
  
David: Thank you.  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
David: That'll be him now.  
  
David throws open the door.  
  
David: Micky!  
  
Micky: Jonathan!  
  
David: It's David.  
  
Micky: Oh sorry. David!  
  
David: Micky I'm so glad you remember me.  
  
Micky: Big Micky could never forget that butt.  
  
David pulls away strangely.  
  
Micky: Ma, Buttma.  
  
David: What?  
  
Micky: I mean asthma.  
  
David: I don't have asthma.  
  
Micky: I mean, what I lovely new house you have.  
  
Ken: Yes, David chose this place.  
  
Micky: Mr. Lair! How are you? Looking handsome as ever.  
  
Ken: Ah, thank you.  
  
Belinda to David: That doesn't seem like Micky at all.  
  
David: I know. He's actually being nice.  
  
Belinda: Hey, Micky wanna play catch.  
  
Micky (Worried): Ah, ah sure.  
  
Belinda chucks him a tennis ball and Micky fumbles with it and then drops it. He falls to the ground.  
  
David: Who are you?  
  
Micky: I'm, I'm big Micky.  
  
Belinda: No you're not Big Micky is a great catcher and is very rude.  
  
The real Big Micky rolls in through the front door.  
  
Big Micky: Roll out the red carpet Big Micky is here.  
  
Big Micky notices the fake Big Micky.  
  
The killer enters.  
  
Killer: I'll come back later.  
  
Big Micky: Oi! Who are you?  
  
The fake Big Micky takes pillows out of his shirt and tissues out of his mouth.  
  
Fake Big Micky: I am detective Malcolm Lawrence and I went under cover as Big Micky to investigate Ken Lair.  
  
Ken: Me! What did I do?  
  
Malcolm: The game's up Mr. Lair where is your wife?  
  
Ken: Probably at her mansion in Sydney.  
  
Malcolm: Alright Ken Lair you're under arrest for the murder of your wife.  
  
Ken: My wife! I haven't killed her. Yet.  
  
Malcolm: That's not what this witness statement says.  
  
Malcolm passes Ken the paper.  
  
Ken: Did any of you down at the police station realize that this statement saying that I murdered my wife is signed by my wife?  
  
Malcolm: I guess we over looked that. Sorry Mr. Lair you are innocent.  
  
Ken: So I was accused of murdering my wife and found innocent?  
  
Malcolm: That's right.  
  
Ken: So now I can kill her because you can't be accused twice of the same crime. It's double jeopardy!  
  
Malcolm: No Mr. Lair we don't have double jeopardy in Australia. That's American.  
  
Ken: Damn. Hey kids who wants to move to America?  
  
Malcolm: I think I'll be leaving now.  
  
Micky: Yeah and don't come back.  
  
They close the door.  
  
Micky: So who's ready to lose to me at Catch the Ball?  
  
David: I am. Oh, well I'm not planing to lose I'm gonna win.  
  
Belinda: We'll see about that.  
  
In the lounge room Micky throws a hard one at Belinda. It hits her in the stomach and she falls onto the scratching post knocking it onto the floor. The ball is thrown at her head.  
  
Micky: I think you're out.  
  
Belinda: I hate you Mick! (Belinda storms off upstairs)  
  
Micky: Looks like it's just you and me Davey boy.  
  
The killer jumps in and David jumps away.  
  
David: Watch out Mick!  
  
The killer throws a knife at Mick and it gets stuck in his fat. The killer then throws another knife and it gets stuck in his fat on the other side. A white blob of fat drips out.  
  
Mick: If I wanted liposuction I would have called for the doctor. (He laughs)  
  
David: Mick!  
  
The killer lunges for him but Mick knocks him over with his stomach.  
  
David: Run Mick run!  
  
Mick starts running very slowly to the door but realizing it's locked he heads upstairs. A sumo-type fight starts between the killer and Mick in the hallway. The killer grabs Mick around the neck and starts choking him. He coughs up an apple with Adam written on it.  
  
Mick: My Adams apple!  
  
He coughs up a piece of ham on a string.  
  
Mick: My hamstring.  
  
He coughs up an old woman.  
  
Mick: Mum! How'd you get in there?  
  
Finally Mick runs out of breath and dies. The killer runs out the door.  
  
David: Mick!  
  
Mick uses all his strength to pull himself up.  
  
Mick: Avenge my death.  
  
He falls down and then gets back up.  
  
Mick: And David I want to be cremated and for my ashes to be thrown over my favourite cake store  
  
He falls down but then jumps back up.  
  
Mick: And David I want you to…  
  
David shoves him back down and walks away.  
  
David: Just die already.  
  
Kid's voices: A clue.  
  
David: Yes I am wearing shoes. Two to be exact.  
  
Kid's voices: No a clue.  
  
David: Do I know Kung fu? No sorry.  
  
Kid's voices: Look there's a clue.  
  
David: Did you say there's a Tyrannosaurus Rex behind me?  
  
Kid's voices: No we said a clue you dumb idiot.  
  
David notices a bubblegum packet with a blue paw print on it.  
  
David: Oh a clue. Well let's take out our handy-dandy notebook.  
  
He takes out a notebook and draws a picture in it.  
  
David: So our first clue was the mysterious killer. (Picture of killer) Then there was Mick's body (Picture of body) and finally the bubblegum packet (Picture of gum packet).  
  
Hmmm… Could it mean the killer was going to wrap Mick's body up in bubblegum. No. Or maybe Mick was chewing gum and the killer wanted some so he killed Mick. No. What else? I know when the killer killed Mick he was chewing gum. That's it! So the killer likes Hubba Bubba Bubblegum grape flavour.  
  
He turns around and Dylan, Belinda, Ken and Mr. Jameso are all chewing hubba gum.  
  
David: Oh no. Everybody likes it.  
  
Ken: There must be other clues. Why don't you check Mick's body for fingerprints or DNA?  
  
David: Dad, I'm not a police officer!  
  
Ken: You aren't! And I've been telling the guys down at the office you're a quilified policeman. Next you'll be telling me Belinda isn't Dolly the sheep's clone.  
  
Belinda: What? 


	7. Candy Man sorry Candy Woman

Scene 7: Candy Woman is murdered.  
  
Sign: Meanwhile at BADMOVIE STUDIOS.  
  
Candy: Did you two notice that Mike is lying dead in the bathroom, Jason has just disappeared and Ben Willis was killed earlier this evening?  
  
Di Rector: No I didn't notice.  
  
Candy walks off.  
  
Pro Ducer: Did she say Ben Willis?  
  
Di Rector: Yes. Why, did you know him?  
  
Pro Ducer: Know him? We spent weeks living together in the Garden of Eden. Until he talked me into eating the forbidden fruit and we were kicked out. So we had to move into some cheap hotel.  
  
Di Rector: Sure Pro.  
  
Pro Ducer: It's true.  
  
We cut to Candy in the next room.  
  
Candy: So Ben Willis was killed first, then Mike and then most likely Jason. Oh my god! He's killing them in the order they die in "Hurt"! And I'm next!  
  
Candy runs to Pro and Di.  
  
Candy: Guys, guys I know what's going on.  
  
Di Rector: What?  
  
Candy: Well who dies first in "Hurt"?  
  
Di Rector: Well Mr. Jameso fakes his own death first.  
  
Candy: That's right and Mr. Jameso was played by Ben Willis who died first today.  
  
Pro Ducer: So you mean if we drive this bus at under 50 kilometres an hour it will explode?  
  
Candy: No. I mean the killer is killing us actors off in the order we die in Hurt. And I'm next! You know that line just doesn't sound as dramatic the second time round.  
  
Pro Ducer: Oh Candy Woman that's silly. Why would anyone want to kill a bunch of crummy actors anyway?  
  
Candy: Hey! You guys are useless.  
  
Candy Woman steps into the kitchen and the phone rings.  
  
Candy: Hello.  
  
Killer on phone: I've killed someone.  
  
Candy: Are, are you sure?  
  
Killer on phone: Yes and I'm afraid I might kill again.  
  
Candy: Who?  
  
Killer on phone: You.  
  
Candy: How'd you get this number?  
  
Killer on phone: You're going to die tonight. Candy.  
  
Candy: Where, where are you?  
  
Killer on phone: I'm in the house.  
  
Candy: Where?  
  
Killer on phone: I'm in the house in Belgrave.  
  
Candy: But I'm in Upwey.  
  
Killer on phone: Oh. (We here a door slam and a car speed off)  
  
There is a knock on the door.  
  
Pro Ducer: I'll get it.  
  
He opens the door.  
  
Pro Ducer: Candy it's for you.  
  
Candy: Is it a knife welding psycho killer?  
  
Pro Ducer: No I don't think so. (It obviously is)  
  
The Pro Ducer goes back downstairs and Candy goes to the door.  
  
Candy: Hell… Ah!  
  
The killer chases her all the way down the hallway and then into the TV room where the Pro Ducer and Di Rector are. The killer grabs her on the ground.  
  
Candy: Now do you believe me.  
  
Pro Ducer: No. Where's your proof?  
  
Candy: Help me please.  
  
Di Rector: Did you hear something Pro?  
  
Pro Ducer: No. Did you?  
  
Di Rector: No I didn't hear anything.  
  
Candy manages to kick the killer off her onto the couch. She runs upstairs.  
  
Di Rector: Excuse me, you're sitting on the remote.  
  
Killer: Sorry.  
  
Upstairs Candy is greeted by a game show host.  
  
Host: Good evening and welcome to What's behind the door? Tonight's contestant is famous actress Candy Woman. Hello Candy.  
  
Candy: Ah, um.  
  
Host: For once she's lost for words! (Canned laughter) Now Candy you know the rules there are 2 doors for you to pick from. One of them leads to 1 million dollars and a holiday to Sweden and the other is the booby prize. Now which door Mrs. Woman.  
  
Candy: Ah door number one.  
  
Host: Well lets open door number one to see if you've won. (Canned laughter)  
  
He opens the door and the killer appears behind Candy.  
  
Host: Uh oh looks like you've lost and I'm outta here. (He runs out the back door)  
  
Candy: Oh I lost.  
  
Candy turns around and notices the killer.  
  
Candy: Ahhh!  
  
The killer grabs her and carries her into the bathroom. He grabs a funnel and some black and gold Cola.  
  
Candy: No! Not black and gold please don't you have a heart? I'd rather drink poison!  
  
He puts the funnel in her mouth and starts pouring the cola down it. She dies. The killer takes a swig of the cola.  
  
Killer: Oh yuck!  
  
Pro Ducer: Hey Di, you wanna play some strip poker?  
  
Di Rector: Alright but you can start taking your socks of now. I never lose.  
  
Caption: THE FOLLOWING SCENES OF STRIP POKER HAVE BEEN CUT FOR YOUR CONVINIENCE.  
  
Di Rector: Well that sure was a great game of strip poker.  
  
Pro Ducer: Only because you won. Let's watch another trilogy.  
  
Di Rector: The toy story trilogy.  
  
Caption: Two movies later. Voiceover: One ham sandwich later.  
  
Bo Peep: Oh Woody I'm so sorry I had an affair with Buzz but we're finished.  
  
Woody: That's okay Bo I forgive ya.  
  
Bo Peep: I have something else to tell you Woody…  
  
Woody: What Bo?  
  
Bo Peep: I'm pregnant.  
  
Woody: That's great! A Woody Junior.  
  
Bo Peep: It's not yours Woody, it's potato head's.  
  
Potato head: I'm sorry Woody I didn't think…  
  
Woody: I am going to kill you Potato head. (Punches are heard) 


	8. Freddy Rootbeer

Scene 8: Freddy Rootbeer.  
  
David is sitting alone in the TV room watching a quiet TV. Ken enters.  
  
Ken: You got some mail.  
  
Ken passes two letters to David. He opens the first one.  
  
David reads: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.  
  
Ken: So what is it?  
  
David: It's just another death threat.  
  
Ken: Oh not another one  
  
David: Hey, this one's from BADMOVIE STUDIOS! I sent my horror movie script to them.  
  
Ken: Ah.  
  
David opens the letter and reads: Dear Mr. Lair, Thank you for taking the time to send us your horror movie script. We all agreed that it was a work of genius and want to start filming it next week. We couldn't get Tom Hanks to play the lead role so instead we are sending you a very handsome, young new actor called Seano Harropino. Also we want to change the name of the movie to "The Ice-Cream Man" rather than your title "The Guy who Kills people and then makes them into ice-cream and gives them to other people". We felt your title was a tad too long. Best wishes, Di Rector and Pro Ducer. Owners of BADMOVIE STUDIOS.  
  
Ken: Wow my son, a big movie writer. But you know I haven't heard of that Seano Harropino.  
  
David: Neither have I but like they said he's a young new actor.  
  
Ken: Yes, well let's just hope he's good. Well I've got to go do some work now. Oh and what happened to Mick? I haven't seen him for a while  
  
David: Who cares! They want to make my movie!  
  
Ken leaves and David starts watching TV again. We cut to in Dylan's room he is sleeping and there is a whipping sound at the window. Dylan wakes up and there is another whip at the window.  
  
Freddy's voice: (Whisper) Dylan.  
  
Dylan: Who do you think you are? Whoever you are?  
  
Dylan wanders outside out the front door.  
  
Dylan: Is somebody there?  
  
Freddy's voice: Tina, I mean Dylan.  
  
Dylan: Who is that?  
  
We see knife fingers come around the wall. Freddy grabs him.  
  
Dylan: Ah. Get off me.  
  
Dylan kicks Freddy off and runs into the carport and he thinks Freddy was following him. He screams and then realizes Freddy's not there. Dylan walks round to the end of the carport and Freddy comes from behind him and grabs him round the stomach. Dylan screams and wakes up in his bed and hits his head on the top bed he falls back down. He notices slashes on his pyjamas and runs out of his room. Ken is in the hallway.  
  
Dylan: Dad I had a nightmare.  
  
David: Dad I had a nightmare too.  
  
Belinda: I had a nightmare as well.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I don't want to seem like a follower but I also had a nightmare.  
  
Ken's mobile phone rings.  
  
Ken: Hello.  
  
Pro Ducer: Mr. Lair this is Pro Ducer I had a nightmare.  
  
Ken: You too?  
  
Pro Ducer: No not really I just wanted to be in this scene.  
  
Ken hangs up.  
  
Ken: Now listen everybody, it's natural to have trouble sleeping and bad dreams when you've just moved into a new house. Especially a house with a history of killings in it. Now just go back to sleep or watch TV or something. I've got to work.  
  
Ken goes back into his study. Belinda, Dylan and Mr. Jameso go back into their rooms, David goes downstairs. Dylan sneaks out of his room and goes downstairs to David.  
  
Dylan: David.  
  
David: Yeah.  
  
Dylan: I don't know how I can go back to sleep. My dream was so scary.  
  
David: Oh, don't worry Dylan it wasn't real just a bad dream. Listen here's a tip if you're having a bad dream just tell your self it isn't real and you should just wake up. That's what I do.  
  
Dylan: What was your dream about?  
  
David: Some guy with a weird hat and really horrible skin was chasing me. He also had really long fingernails.  
  
Dylan: Sort of like finger knives?  
  
David: Yeah.  
  
Dylan: David you dreamt about the same guy that I did!  
  
David: Dylan that's impossible. You just need some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning. Come on.  
  
He takes Dylan to the stairs and then sits back down at the TV.  
  
David: Sleep. I think I need some of that too.  
  
He falls asleep and then wakes up in his dream.  
  
Freddy Rootbeer is in the kitchen.  
  
Freddy: Hey, David! Watch this.  
  
There is lettuce, bread, tomato and mayonnaise on the kitchen bench. Freddy slices them all up and produces a sandwich.  
  
Freddy: (Laughs)  
  
David gets up to run but Freddy grabs him and slices his stomach. We see this happen on David's sleeping body too. In dream Freddy drags David along the tiles. In real life Ken comes down and notices David's body sliding up the bookshelf.  
  
Ken: David stop being silly.  
  
Ken makes coffee and goes back upstairs.  
  
Freddy: One, two Freddy likes to slice you!  
  
Freddy slits him again and then just drops the body. In real life the body just falls onto the chair. Dylan runs down because he heard the screaming. He sees the body and screams.  
  
David, Belinda, Mr. Jameso and Dylan are downstairs and two men are putting David in a garbage bag. A policeman is talking to the Lair's.  
  
Ken: How'd he die detective?  
  
Detective: Well, I'd say of natural causes.  
  
Ken: Why'd you say that?  
  
Detective: So there wouldn't have too be so much paper work! (He laughs) Just kidding I think probably some sort of razor was raked across his chest.  
  
Dylan: No one was there when I came down.  
  
Detective: The killer must have quickly run out a door or something. Goodnight.  
  
Ken: Wait what should we do for safety?  
  
Detective: Lock your doors, have a gun under the bed, whatever! (He leaves)  
  
Ken: Come on Dylan let's get you back to bed.  
  
Dylan: Dad, I'm scared.  
  
Ken: Don't worry son, if anything happens to you I'll buy you a nice coffin.  
  
Dylan hops back into bed and falls asleep. He wakes up and it is morning (it is actually a dream) he gets out of bed and goes downstairs.  
  
Ken: Good morning.  
  
Dylan: Morning.  
  
Ken opens a letter and takes out the letter P written on paper.  
  
Ken: Another one.  
  
Dylan: What is it?  
  
Ken: Somebody keeps sending us letters of the alphabet.  
  
Ken gets up and puts it in a draw. Dylan grabs the letters and goes into the lounge room. Ken finds him circling the letters reading NEVER PEEL AGAIN over and over.  
  
Ken: Alright Dylan you never have to peel again I promise you. Hey look you missed a letter.  
  
Ken passes him the letter S.  
  
Dylan turns around the PEEL to make it SLEEP. He starts circling it again reading NEVER SLEEP AGAIN over and over.  
  
Ken kicks at the letters.  
  
Ken: Stop that Dylan. Okay. It doesn't mean anything. Now go clean your teeth. Or I'll slice you up.  
  
Dylan: What?  
  
Ken: Or no McDonalds for lunch.  
  
Dylan goes upstairs and as he passes Belinda's room he notices Freddy. He looks again and Freddy has gone.  
  
Dylan cleans his teeth and hears the phone ring.  
  
Ken: Dylan can you grab that?  
  
Dylan answers the phone.  
  
Freddy on phone: One, two.  
  
Dylan hangs up and then it rings again. He answers it slowly.  
  
Freddy on phone: Freddy's coming for you.  
  
Dylan slams the phone down and Ken comes down.  
  
Ken: Who was it?  
  
Dylan: It was a wrong number.  
  
The doorbell rings and Ken starts to get it.  
  
Dylan: Stop! I'll get it.  
  
Dylan looks through the peephole and sees Freddy. Dylan screams.  
  
Ken: Who is it?  
  
Dylan: No one probably just a prank.  
  
It rings again.  
  
Ken: Right!  
  
Ken opens the door and Freddy is there but Ken can't see him.  
  
Ken: You're right nobody's there.  
  
Dylan: Can't you see him?  
  
Ken: See who?  
  
Ken looks again but still sees nothing. Freddy is about to cut Ken.  
  
Dylan: Nooo!  
  
Dylan knocks Ken over and accidentally grabs his shoe. Freddy leaps on Dylan and Dylan grabs his hat while trying to push him off. Dylan's alarm goes off and he wakes up screaming. He turns it off and Ken comes running into the room.  
  
Ken: Dylan are you okay?  
  
Dylan: Yeah it was just another nightmare.  
  
Ken: What's that?  
  
Dylan pulls up from under the blankets Freddy's hat and Ken's shoe.  
  
Ken: My shoe! I wondered where that had got to.  
  
He grabs it and puts it on.  
  
Ken: Where'd you get the hat?  
  
Dylan: I took it from out of my dream. I grabbed it off his head. It's even got his name in it. Freddy Rootbeer. Do you know who Freddy Rootbeer is dad? Because if you do this would be a good time to tell me.  
  
Ken: No I've never heard of him.  
  
Dylan: Oh no.  
  
Ken: What?  
  
Dylan: In my dream I saw Freddy in Belinda's room. He might be there now.  
  
Ken: Don't worry I'll go check on her.  
  
In Belinda's room she is asleep with a magazine next to her face and Freddy is there wrapping a sheet into a sausage shape. Ken knocks on the door and Belinda wakes up. Freddy disappears.  
  
Belinda: Yes.  
  
Ken enters.  
  
Ken: Just come in to say goodnight.  
  
Belinda: Goodnight dad.  
  
Ken: Goodnight.  
  
Ken goes back to Dylan.  
  
Ken: She's fine. Now go back to sleep and no more nightmares.  
  
Dylan: Okay.  
  
Back in Belinda's room she falls back asleep. A sheet starts to wrap around her neck it makes a noose and starts choking her.  
  
Belinda: Help.  
  
Freddy starts dragging her across the floor and meets a guy dressed in black with scissors for hands.  
  
Edward: I'm Edward Scissorhands.  
  
Freddy: Out, out, out this is my scene.  
  
Edward: But I'm so lonely.  
  
Freddy drags the sheet up over the door and hangs Belinda.  
  
Dylan bangs on the bedroom wall.  
  
Dylan: Belinda are you okay? Belinda?  
  
Dylan jumps out of bed and runs into Belinda's room.  
  
Dylan: Belinda! Dad!  
  
Ken comes running in and they get her down. (Mr. Jameso comes too)  
  
Ken: Oh not Belinda too!  
  
Dylan: Mr. Jameso.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Yes, Dylan.  
  
Dylan: In your dream did you see a guy with knives for fingers chasing you?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Yes I did. I think we were playing Kiss Chasey.  
  
Dylan: Mr. Jameso that's disgusting.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Is it Dylan, is it?  
  
Dylan: Yes. And anyway I think that you might be in danger from this guy.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh Dylan you and your crazy imagination. You remind me of my boys Barry and Stu. Who I viciously murdered.  
  
Dylan: Ah, good night Mr. Jameso.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Good night. Me in danger what a joke.  
  
He enters his spare room. Edward Scissorhands is in there.  
  
Edward: Hello.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Get out you scissorhanded freak. I've got rocks!  
  
Edward Scissorhands runs out screaming.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Little did he know these rocks were actually paper.  
  
Back in Dylan's room, Dylan is in bed and Ken is talking to him.  
  
Ken: Dylan I lied to you. I do know who Freddy Rootbeer is.  
  
Dylan: Who?  
  
Ken: Freddy Rootbeer was a filthy child murderer. Filthy because he never washed and a child murderer because he murdered a child.  
  
Dylan: He murdered children?  
  
Ken: No he murdered a child. One child. And he also had an addiction to Rootbeer.  
  
Dylan: Did he get sent to prison?  
  
Ken: No because the dead child's parents said their son was killed on a bus accident on the way to summer camp. But we knew that Freddy probably killed him and then threw his body in the bus.  
  
Dylan: What about those knife fingers?  
  
Ken: Freddy said he only used them for gardening but we knew better.  
  
Dylan: What did you do?  
  
Ken: Well me and a bunch of the other parents went to see Freddy and we poured petrol into the windows and on the house and when he got home we set the whole thing on fire and he burned to death. A few days later we found out the boy who had supposedly been murdered by Freddy was staying at his grandparent's house because he missed the bus to summer camp and we all rejoiced.  
  
Dylan: So actually you parents are the murderers and Freddy Rootbeer was an innocent man?  
  
Ken: I guess if you look at it like that.  
  
Dylan: No wonder he's after me, Belinda and David he's getting revenge on you.  
  
Ken: What can we do to stop him?  
  
Dylan: Well you know how I brought his hat out of my dream.  
  
Ken: Yes.  
  
Dylan: Then I could probably bring him out of my dream if you wake me when I'm holding him. And we can hand him over to the police.  
  
Ken: That's a great idea.  
  
Dylan: But I think I'll set my timer in case you fall asleep too.  
  
Dylan sets his watch for 5 minutes and falls asleep. He wakes up in the dream. He walks downstairs.  
  
Dylan: Freddy where are you?  
  
He looks around but can't find Freddy. He looks in the TV room and then sees David standing in the garbage bag in the hallway.  
  
David: Help me Dylan.  
  
David is dragged upstairs. Dylan looks at his watch.  
  
Dylan: Only two minutes left.  
  
He goes upstairs.  
  
Dylan: Where are you Freddy?  
  
Freddy appears and Dylan jumps down the stairs only to land back in his bed.  
  
Dylan: Dammit. (Looks at watch) Ten seconds!  
  
Freddy is at the end of the hallway. Dylan runs and jumps on him. The timer goes off and he wakes up in bed. Without Freddy.  
  
Dylan: It didn't work.  
  
Freddy jumps out from the end of Dylan's bed.  
  
Dylan: It's too late Freddy. I know you're secret. You're just a dream. I take out all the energy I put into you.  
  
Freddy: What?  
  
Dylan: I want my brother and sister back. You're not real.  
  
Freddy: Oh you really expect me to fall for that.  
  
Dylan: Uh oh.  
  
Freddy slices him and starts walking towards the door. Ken opens it and Freddy's hand hits it and rebounds into his own stomach.  
  
Freddy: Nooo!  
  
Freddy disappears. 


	9. Charades

Scene 9: Charades.  
  
Dylan's cuts are gone. He touches his stomach.  
  
Dylan: I'm alive, I'm alive. I'm alive!  
  
He throws open the door and the killer comes in and stabs him.  
  
Killer: You're dead.  
  
We cut to downstairs and the doorbell rings. David answers it. He is passed a tape player with PRESS PLAY written on it. He presses play.  
  
Voice from tape: And now ladies and gentlemen the man who is better looking than Brad Pitt, stronger than Drederick Tatum and taller than Danny Devito. Ladies and gentlemen we present Seano Harropino.  
  
Seano Harropino enters.  
  
David: Are you really stronger than Drederick Tatum?  
  
Seano: Sure am.  
  
David: Prove it.  
  
Seano: Fine. (He pulls an egg out of his pocket) See this egg?  
  
David: Yeah.  
  
Seano: Do you know anyone who can make an egg break with just their bare hands?  
  
David: No, I've heard it's impossible. Can you do it?  
  
Seano: No, like you've just stated that's impossible. (He throws the egg behind him and pulls out a pencil) But I can break this pencil in half.  
  
David (Sarcastic): Really.  
  
Seano: Yes watch. (He struggles to break it and can't) Um, I'm a little tired right now but here's one I prepared earlier. (He pulls out a broken pencil) See, see.  
  
David: Wow. Do you want to come in and talk about the movie?  
  
Seano: Yes about the movie, what's my character's name again?  
  
Seano comes in and they sit down at the couch in the lounge room.  
  
David: John Simmons.  
  
Seano: That's right.  
  
David: And do you understand your character?  
  
Seano: Yes I'm a lonely Swedish woman who's looking for her soul mate in New York.  
  
David: What? No you're a homicidal ice-cream seller who hates kids.  
  
Seano: Ah.  
  
David: Well let's start with some drama exercises. Okay. How about Charades?  
  
Seano: Oh yes I love Charades. You go first.  
  
David: Okay. (He stands up and does the movie sign)  
  
Seano: Ah movie.  
  
David does one word sign.  
  
Seano: One finger. Movie one finger.  
  
David does first word sign.  
  
Seano: Movie one finger pointing.  
  
David mimes someone screaming.  
  
Seano: Mouth, mouth. Movie one finger pointing mouth. Is that right?  
  
David shakes his head.  
  
Seano: Shaking. Movie one finger pointing mouth shaking. That's not a movie.  
  
Killer: Scream.  
  
David: What?  
  
Seano: Ah you're out you talked.  
  
Killer: Scream that's the movie.  
  
David: You're right. Are you an actor?  
  
Killer: Yes I'm an actor but I'm also a killer sometimes.  
  
Seano: What's killing feel like anyway?  
  
David: You wanna take this one.  
  
Killer: It's like a warm apple pie.  
  
Seano: Ah. McDonald's or home made?  
  
David: Do you want to be the lead in my movie?  
  
Seano: Hey what about me. You c0  
  
1 David: You can be his brother or dog or something.  
  
Seano: Cool!  
  
Killer: What movie?  
  
David: I wrote it. It's called The Ice-Cream Man!  
  
Killer: Okay. The reminds me that one time at killer camp I stuck a knife up my… nose.  
  
Seano wasn't listening so he just shrugs he then realizes what he said and spits out water.  
  
David: What did you say?  
  
Seano: I said (he spits out water again.)  
  
David: No the killer.  
  
Killer: I said one time at killer camp I stuck a flute up my nose. Can we play charades now? I'm getting a bit antsy.  
  
David: Okay.  
  
Killer: Alright. My turn. But I'll need a volunteer.  
  
David: I'll volunteer.  
  
Killer: Good now Seano I want you to guess what movie we're acting a scene from. OK.  
  
Seano: Okay.  
  
Killer: Good. Now watch.  
  
The killer starts stabbing David in the stomach and slits his ears. David falls down dead.  
  
Seano: Hey that was great. It looked so real.  
  
Killer: Yeah.  
  
Seano: David you can get up now. David. I think he's really dead.  
  
Killer: Oh what a shame.  
  
Seano: You know I'm starting to feel really nervous.  
  
Killer: You are? Well at least you've released the strawberry jam.  
  
Seano: What?  
  
Killer: You've let the tomato paste flow haven't you.  
  
Seano: What are you going on about?  
  
Killer: Oh do I have to spell it out for you. Stab, stab. (He mimics stabbing himself)  
  
Seano: I haven't stabbed myself!  
  
Killer: No wonder you're so nervous. You've got to release the blood before it all bubbles up inside you. Look you can use my knife just go up to the bathroom and stab yourself in the stomach over and over until you're sure all the blood it out.  
  
Seano: Are you sure?  
  
Killer: Of course. Now go on.  
  
Seano goes into the bathroom with the knife and starts moaning as he stabs himself in the stomach many times. He finishes.  
  
Seano: Hey, where'd it go?  
  
He looks every but can't find it. He walks downstairs and meets the killer.  
  
Killer: Hey is that… tomato sauce?  
  
Seano: Where?  
  
Killer: On your ear.  
  
He feels one of his ears.  
  
Killer: No.  
  
He grabs the blood and puts it in his mouth.  
  
Killer: That's the tangiest tomato sauce I ever tasted. So still feeling nervous?  
  
Seano: No but a little woozy…  
  
Seano falls down dead.  
  
Killer: Looks like you over did it.  
  
Ken comes down the stairs and notices the dead body.  
  
Ken: Oh not again.  
  
The killer runs for him.  
  
Ken: Stop, stop. Now calm down. Okay let's sit down and talk.  
  
The killer lies down on the couch and Ken sits near him.  
  
Ken: Name?  
  
Killer: Oh, oh I'm not giving that away. It would spoil the last scene.  
  
Ken writing: Last scene.  
  
Ken: Alright. Let's begin. When did you decide to become a psycho killer?  
  
Killer: Well it all began when I was just seven years old…  
  
Flashback begins. A smiley killer is sitting in front of the TV.  
  
Young killer: Dear Satan when I grow up I want to be a psycho killer.  
  
He goes up to the TV and kisses the ghostface killer from "Scream".  
  
Killer: But then I thought why wait until I grew up? Why not start now? So later on that night (The flashback continues) I crept into my sister's room and stabbed her to death with the biggest knife I could find. I was so excited at what I had done I rang the police and told them all about it. But they sent round some cops and locked me up. A psychiatrist came and tried to talk to me about it. His name was Dr. Looney.  
  
Dr. Looney: I spent eight years trying to reach him and another seven trying to keep him locked up. And another ten trying to lose weight. I then realized that behind that mask was evil itself.  
  
Killer: But I murdered him and escaped from the mental institution.  
  
Ken: Then what happened?  
  
Killer: Well…  
  
Caption: Meanwhile at Burkittsville. (Two boys are standing in the bush)  
  
Boy 1: Wanna go look for the Blair Witch?  
  
Boy 2: Nah.  
  
Killer: I didn't kill for many years but I did nearly enter the matrix.  
  
Ken: Oh tell me about that.  
  
Killer: I was walking home one night when a bunch of people grabbed me and drove me to an old house. In the house I met a guy named Morphius and after a lot of talk about the matrix he gave me a choice.  
  
Flashback. A man wearing glasses and the killer are sitting in a small room.  
  
Morphius: If you take the blue pill the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe what ever you want to believe, you take the red pill you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.  
  
Killer: I'll take the blue pill, no the red no the blue. Ahh! I hate choices!  
  
The killer runs out and the flashback ends.  
  
2 Ken: You've had a very tough life.  
  
Killer: Yeah and you haven't even heard the worst of it.  
  
Ken: Tell me you naughty boy.  
  
Killer: Well you see it all began when I decided to go and…  
  
Ken: I'm sorry. We don't have time for any more flashbacks. Just talk really fast.  
  
Killer: Well as I was saying, I… 


	10. Jenny Lair

Scene 10: Jenny Lair is killed.  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
Ken: I'd better grab that, but don't you move I'll be right back.  
  
Ken Lair runs to the door and opens it. A woman is there.  
  
Woman: Hello Ken.  
  
Ken: Jenny! What are you doing here?  
  
Jenny: I'm meant to be at a movie premiere but my car broke down outside your house so I decided I'd stay the night.  
  
Ken: Now hang on.  
  
Jenny: Oh I knew you'd agree. So this is your new house. Talk about having bad taste.  
  
Ken: I would like you to know that I and the kids all love this house.  
  
Jenny: Kids?  
  
Ken: Our kids.  
  
Jenny: Oh those things. Like dogs aren't they but they can talk. You know I prefer dogs.  
  
Belinda comes running down the stairs.  
  
Belinda: Mum!  
  
Jenny: Hi ah Dylan.  
  
Belinda: I'm Belinda.  
  
Jenny: Oh yes Belinda. How are you?  
  
Belinda: I'm fine.  
  
Jenny: Great, great. So where are the other ah…  
  
Ken: Kids.  
  
Jenny: Yeah kids.  
  
Ken: Dylan's upstairs asleep and David's dead.  
  
Jenny: That's great. Great. You know I'm really tired um where can I sleep?  
  
Belinda: You can sleep in my room it's the first on the left.  
  
Jenny: Okay. Goodnight.  
  
Ken: Goodnight and I hope the bedbugs bite and kill!  
  
Jenny: What?  
  
Ken: I said don't let the bedbugs bite.  
  
Jenny: Bugs!  
  
Ken: Don't worry. It's just a saying.  
  
Jenny: Oh.  
  
Jenny closes the door.  
  
Ken: I hate your mother.  
  
Belinda: I hate her too.  
  
In the bedroom the window and curtains are open. There is a voice coming from the window. Jenny leans towards it curiously. A knife comes throw the fly wire just missing her this happens a few times. Jenny stands up and closes the window squashing the killer's hand. The killer screams very loudly and Jenny looks around wondering what it was. Jenny turns off the light and gets into the bed. We see the killer run round through the front door. We cut to Belinda in Dylan's room. Dylan is lying dead on the floor.  
  
Belinda: Dylan the floor is not clean. Get up.  
  
Belinda notices he isn't responding and starts to pick him up.  
  
Belinda: Dylan you're getting very heavy. (She tucks him in) Now don't fall out again you hear. Okay. Okay! Good. Goodnight.  
  
She closes the door just as her bedroom door closes.  
  
Belinda: Goodnight mum.  
  
Jenny: Goodnight David or Dylan or Belinda.  
  
Belinda starts to go downstairs as Ken goes up holding a knife.  
  
Belinda: What are you doing?  
  
Ken: I'm just going to go kill your mother.  
  
Belinda: Good.  
  
Ken opens the door and is about to turn on the light.  
  
Jenny: Whoever that is don't turn on the light. It spoils my facemask.  
  
Ken: Sorry.  
  
Ken closes the door and starts to leave when the light turns on from her room. He hears a scream, which is then muffled.  
  
Ken: Jenny are you okay?  
  
Killer: Yes I'm fine.  
  
Ken: You sound a little raspy.  
  
Killer: I've got a bit of a sore throat so go away.  
  
Ken: Want me to bring you some throat lozenges?  
  
Killer: No just go away.  
  
Ken: Alright.  
  
Ken hurries downstairs and grabs some throat lozenges and takes it back upstairs.  
  
Ken: I've brought you some anyway.  
  
Ken opens the door to find the killer writing "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?" on the wall. He notices Jenny's dead body on the bed.  
  
Ken: Oh my god you killed Jenny. Thank you, thank you. (He grabs the killer and gives him a hug) I was going to kill her myself but thanks to you I don't have to. You saved me a whole lot of trouble. (The killer breaks from the hug)  
  
Killer: I think I'll go now.  
  
Ken: Yes you go and I won't tell anyone it was you. I promise.  
  
Killer: Okay. Bye.  
  
Ken runs into Dylan's room.  
  
Ken: Dylan guess what. You're mother's dead! Dylan.  
  
He pulls back the blankets revealing a dead Dylan.  
  
Ken: Nooo! He killed you too!  
  
Ken quickly runs downstairs and opens the door. Mr. Jameso enters.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Hi.  
  
Ken: Jameso so you're the killer.  
  
Mr. Jameso: No it's not me.  
  
Ken: Oh yeah.  
  
A rake comes through the door and cuts Mr. Jameso's stomach. Mr. Jameso screams.  
  
Ken: You're right it's not you then who is it?  
  
Mr. Jameso: I don't know but do you think you could get me a Band-Aid or something.  
  
Ken: Sure but who could the killer be?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Just get me the damn Band-Aid!  
  
Cut to BADMOVIE STUDIOS. Pro and Di are watching previews.  
  
A man answers the door: Hi.  
  
Morgy: Hi. (Staring at something) Is that… hair gel?  
  
Man: What? Where?  
  
Morgy: (He takes the hair gel) Thanks I needed some.  
  
Morgy puts it in his hair then starts looking up while trying to feel something in his hair.  
  
1  
  
2 Man: What?  
  
Morgy: Well isn't it? (He looks at man's crotch)  
  
Man: No it's hair gel.  
  
Morgy: Oh. Okay.  
  
Caption and voiceover: There's something about Morgy. Coming Soon. 


	11. Stupid Legends

Scene 11: Stupid Legends and David's video.  
  
Ken is standing next to the bathroom door. Mr. Jameso is in the bathroom.  
  
Ken: Are you sure you're okay?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Yes, yes just a couple of scratches.  
  
Ken: When you've finished come down for a cuppa.  
  
Mr. Jameso: No thanks I'm just going to go back to bed.  
  
Ken: Okay.  
  
Ken starts heading down the hallway but stops at the top of the stair. A thump is heard. Ken turns around and the killer is in the middle of the hallway. He closes his eyes.  
  
Ken: Go away.  
  
He opens his eyes and the killer is further away then he was before. He shuts his eyes. He opens them and someone puts a hand on his shoulder. Ken screams and falls down the stairs. Belinda runs down after him.  
  
Belinda: Dad what's wrong?  
  
Ken: Belinda I thought you were someone else.  
  
Belinda: Look what I found dad.  
  
Belinda passes him a big book.  
  
Ken: Stupid Legends?  
  
Belinda: Yeah old Aussie folklore stories. Passed down from generation to generation.  
  
Ken: Great. Want some coffee?  
  
Belinda: Dad don't you understand? Read the first story.  
  
Ken: Alright.  
  
Ken opens the big book and starts reading.  
  
Ken: Legend number 1: The Menacing Phone call. Ohhh! A girl was alone babysitting some kids in a big strange house. After she put them to bed upstairs she received a phone call threatening her. She traced the call and she realized it was coming from upstairs. This doesn't seem very stupid.  
  
Belinda: Just keep reading.  
  
Ken: But not upstairs of the house she was in. Upstairs of a house in the next town. So the killer realized his mistake and drove over to her house and killed her. The End. Great story Belinda.  
  
Belinda: Dad that's what happened to that famous actress Candy Woman just a little while ago. I think the killer's making the Stupid Legends come true!  
  
Ken: I thought that actress was forced to drink poison.  
  
Belinda: Not poison, black and gold cola!  
  
Ken: Even worse! What a horrible way to die!  
  
Belinda: Look up Legend number 23.  
  
Ken: Legend 23. Ah here it is. Stupid Legend 23: The black and gold cola poisoning. You're right.  
  
Belinda: But those aren't the stupidest. There's number 15: The High beam gang initiation.  
  
Ken: What's that?  
  
Belinda: A bunch of teenagers pull off onto the side of the road and turn all their lights off. When a passing car flashes its high beams at them they start following them. By getting out of the car and chasing them on foot.  
  
Ken: That is stupid.  
  
Belinda: Have you heard the one about the dog in the microwave?  
  
Ken: No tell it to me.  
  
1 Belinda: Well a man was alone in the house when suddenly the phone rang…  
  
A flashback starts: A man is walking through the dining room when the phone rings.  
  
Man answers it: Hello.  
  
Voice on phone: Did you hear what happened to Linda? Her boyfriend found her hanging from an oak tree doing the Macarena on his car roof.  
  
Man: That's just a Stupid Legend.  
  
Voice on phone: Not just a Stupid Legend anymore. Oh and Scott Wilson was found gutted on the pier this morning. Gutted with a potato masher.  
  
Man: That's just another Stupid Legend.  
  
Voice on phone: Yes and now it's your turn to make a Stupid Legend come true.  
  
Man: I see the calls coming from inside the house! Could it be? A Stupid Legend. Am I right? Hello! Now don't get shy on my all of a sudden. So this is the one about the babysitter. She's getting those scary phone calls and when she traces them back she realizes they're coming from inside the house. But aren't you forgetting something? I'm not babysitting any kids.  
  
Voice on phone: Wrong legend. This is the one about the old lady who dries her wet dog in the microwave.  
  
The man opens the microwave. There is a toy dog in there.  
  
Man: Oh you Sicko.  
  
Voice on phone: What?  
  
Man: My dog. It's not moving.  
  
Voice on phone: That's because it's a toy.  
  
Man: But then why…  
  
Voice on phone: Oh sorry. Did I say dog in the microwave? I meant the one about the cat in the oven.  
  
The man opens the oven and quickly runs into the toilet to throw up.  
  
The killer slowly walks up the steps holding an axe.  
  
The killer enters the laundry and throws a toilet paper roll at the man.  
  
Killer: Toilet paper fight!  
  
They start throwing toilet paper rolls at each other.  
  
Belinda: End of legend.  
  
Ken: Those legends were so stupid I'm shivering. Or is it because I'm sitting in the fridge.  
  
The camera zooms out and we see he is sitting in the fridge. He gets out of there.  
  
Belinda: If you thought that was stupid you should here the one about the tonsil…  
  
Videotape falls out of the back of the book.  
  
Ken: Hey a tape.  
  
Ken picks it up and reads the label.  
  
Ken: David's Scary Movie.  
  
Belinda: Let's see what on it.  
  
Ken puts the tape in and turns on the TV.  
  
David appears the screen.  
  
David: Hi everyone.  
  
Belinda: David.  
  
David: See I told you I'd make my own horror movie some day. But now to the real point if you are watching this I didn't survive the killings of the psycho smiley killer. But I can help you survive and defeat the killer. What the killer is doing is finishing a trilogy. You see the killer first started killing on Halloweenie 2000, then he came back and did the sequel in 2001 and now he is finishing the trilogy tonight. So to help you here are some super cool trilogy rules. But first, dad.  
  
Ken: Yes.  
  
David: What's the time?  
  
Ken: Ah it's 10:33.  
  
David: 10:33 okay thanks my watch, it's a little slow. Okay. Rule number 1: There will be heaps of deaths. Maybe even some you don't even know about yet. So try to find out about everyone he's killed. It may help you figure out who's next.  
  
Belinda: (To Ken who is writing) Find out all the victims.  
  
2  
  
3 David: Rule number 2…  
  
There is a banging on the door that David is in.  
  
Belinda: David you've been in there for 10 minutes.  
  
David: Get lost Belinda. Sorry.  
  
Belinda: David!  
  
David: Shutup.  
  
Belinda: I'm telling dad.  
  
David: I'd better hurry because dad's gonna get really mad at me.  
  
Ken: No I won't.  
  
David: You always say you won't but you do. Anyway rule number 2: Stay in the house. If the phones are dead don't try to drive or run to the police station because you'll probably be killed on the way there.  
  
Belinda: (To Ken who is still writing) Stay in the house.  
  
David: And finally trilogy rule number three: Make sure the killer is dead. Killers in trilogies hardly ever are dead the first time you kill them. You either have to blow them up, decapitate them or drop a 100-kilogram weight on them. So goodbye and good luck.  
  
The tape stops and the screen goes black. Ken turns off the TV.  
  
Belinda: Did you write all the rules down?  
  
Ken: Yep. Step 1: Beat the flour, the eggs and the sugar in a bowl then add a pinch of salt. Melt the butter with the cooking chocolate and…  
  
Belinda: Those aren't the rules David said.  
  
Ken: That was David on the TV? I thought it was famous chief Antonio Blah Blah.  
  
Belinda: What? Who cares I remember them, find out all the victims, stay in the house and make sure the killer is dead when you kill him. I'll go on the net and find out all the victims, dad you lock all the doors and windows.  
  
Ken: Did you know that this house used to be a torture chamber?  
  
Belinda: This house is so evil and horrid the devil probably comes here for holidays.  
  
Belinda is suddenly taken over by the devil. 


	12. The Devil

Scene 12: The Devil.  
  
Ken quickly runs over to Belinda.  
  
Ken: Belinda, are you okay?  
  
Belinda opens her mouth and lets out a huge roar.  
  
Ken: Belinda, quiet Mr. Jameso is trying to sleep.  
  
Belinda: (Devil's voice) I am Satan!  
  
Belinda shakes her head.  
  
Belinda: Sorry dad. I don't know what came over me.  
  
Ken: I think you should go have a lie down.  
  
Belinda: (Devil's voice) I think you should burn in Hell.  
  
Ken: Belinda.  
  
Belinda: Sorry, sorry.  
  
Mr. Jameso comes angrily into the room.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I wish I could have a bit of peace and quiet!  
  
Belinda: That can be arranged.  
  
Mr. Jameso: How?  
  
Belinda: What if I told you I had the power to give you anything and everything you've ever dreamed of?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Who are you?  
  
Lips: I'm Ken Lair.  
  
We zoom out and we are actually looking at Ken's lips.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Not you, her.  
  
Belinda: Promise you won't tell anybody.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Yes.  
  
Lips: I'm the devil.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Yeah sure.  
  
Belinda: I'll prove it to you. Wish for anything.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Alright then. I wish I had a mars bar, no wait a Picnic.  
  
Belinda: Done.  
  
She clicks her fingers and Mr. Jameso, Belinda and Ken appear outside sitting on a rug holding sandwiches.  
  
Belinda: Lovely day isn't it.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Hey, I meant the chocolate bar Picnic not this. I don't like this wish. How do I end it?  
  
Belinda: That's easy just dial 666 on that mobile phone.  
  
Mr. Jameso: What mobile phone?  
  
Belinda: The one right next to you.  
  
Mr. Jameso picks it up and dials 666 they return back in the kitchen.  
  
Mr. Jameso: You are the devil.  
  
Belinda: Of course I am. So still want the wishes?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Sure.  
  
Belinda: Alright then let's just have a look at the contract.  
  
The contract is very thick and it hits Mr. Jameso in the head.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Ow!  
  
Belinda: Sorry about that.  
  
Mr. Jameso picks up the contract and starts reading.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I, Mr. Jameso hereby known as the damned, will sell my soul to the devil for 7 wishes that I may use in anyway I see fit. Fine.  
  
Belinda: You're not mad at having to sell your soul?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Why should I be? I'm probably going to Hell anyway.  
  
Belinda: Okay sign here.  
  
Mr. Jameso signs.  
  
Belinda: There's lots of other rules and regulations but you can read them later.  
  
Mr. Jameso: So now I just wish?  
  
Belinda: Yep. Just say I wish whatever and it will come true. Oh and don't forget the mobile phone it's the only way out of the wishes.  
  
Mr. Jameso picks it up and puts it in his pocket.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I've got it. I wish…  
  
Ken: Mr. Jameso are you sure this is a good idea?  
  
Mr. Jameso: What is it with you and Mr. Jameso? You can call me by my first name!  
  
Ken: What is your first name?  
  
Mr. Jameso: I've told you before it's…  
  
Belinda: Hurry up and wish!  
  
Ken: Mr. Jameso!  
  
Ken: I wish things were a little more quiet!  
  
We cut to a black and white silent film with old-fashioned music. We don't hear the characters we just see a caption of what they've said.  
  
Mr. Jameso: What's going on here? I can't hear myself!  
  
Belinda: Nice with it being all silent isn't it?  
  
Mr. Jameso: No it is not. You know this isn't what I meant.  
  
Belinda: What do you mean? There's no sound. The caption machine shows everything we say.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh yeah spell Pseudoantidisestablishmentarianism you stupid caption machine.  
  
Belinda: See it can spell any word without noise.  
  
Ken: She's right. It can even spell cat!  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh I'm getting out of here.  
  
Mr. Jameso gets the phone and dials 666. The three of them appear back in the kitchen.  
  
Belinda: That was fun.  
  
Mr. Jameso: No it wasn't. It was horrible.  
  
Belinda: Well don't worry, there's still plenty of wishes to go. Let's watch some telly.  
  
Belinda turns on the TV. There is a boy band playing and everyone is cheering them.  
  
Belinda: Great band.  
  
Ken: Yeah.  
  
Belinda: Hang on I've got a great idea for your next wish.  
  
Mr. Jameso: So have I. I wish I were a rock star.  
  
Belinda: Good. I'll just say the magic words. Britney Spears!  
  
We cut to a rock (with a scar) lying on the ground.  
  
Rock/Mr. Jameso: Oh dear I must have shrunk. And I feel so solid.  
  
Belinda comes into the garden and picks him up.  
  
Belinda: Oh what a lovely rock.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Rock! Oh no.  
  
Belinda: Wow! What an amazing rock!  
  
Belinda takes it inside and puts it on a stand in the lounge room.  
  
Belinda: People from everywhere are going to want to see you. I'd better start advertising.  
  
Mr. Jameso: No wait. I want to get out of this wish. The phone. Where's the phone? Ah, it's on the chair and I can't even move. I guess I'm stuck.  
  
Caption: The next day.  
  
There are poster which say, "Come see the rock!" outside.  
  
A TV commercial starts. There is a picture of the rock.  
  
Voiceover: Come see the amazing rock!  
  
Belinda is holding the rock.  
  
Belinda: It's amazing!  
  
The doorbell rings and Belinda runs downstairs.  
  
Belinda: That'll be our first customer.  
  
Belinda opens the door and there is a man there.  
  
Man: I'm here to see the rock.  
  
Belinda: That will be 10 dollars please.  
  
He hands her 10 dollars.  
  
Belinda: Thank you. Come this way.  
  
They go into the lounge room in front of the rock.  
  
Belinda: Here it is!  
  
Man: My god! It's wonderful and beautiful and it's the best rock in the world.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Please help me mister.  
  
Man: Can I buy this rock?  
  
Belinda: No. Sorry it's not for sale.  
  
Man: Oh.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Mister! Oh he can't hear me.  
  
Voice: Psst.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Who is that?  
  
He looks on the chair and there is a smaller rock there.  
  
Rock: Thanks a lot mate.  
  
Mr. Jameso: What did I do?  
  
Rock: I used to be the star rock but then you Mr. Amazing rock had to comes and spoil it for me.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I didn't mean it. You sound familiar. What's your name?  
  
Rock: Ken.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Ken! Ken it's me Mr. Jameso.  
  
Rock: I don't know you. I'm going now.  
  
The rock starts to move away.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Hey you can move!  
  
Rock: Of course I can move.  
  
Mr. Jameso: How do you do it?  
  
Rock: Do you mean you Mr. Amazing rock can't even wobble.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I tried really hard but I just can't.  
  
Rock: Ha, ha, ha. Suffer. Goodbye Mr. Amazing invalid rock.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Please do you want to be top rock again?  
  
Rock: Yes.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Then just dial 666 on that phone next to you and I'll be gone forever.  
  
Rock: For real?  
  
Mr. Jameso: For real.  
  
Rock: Okay, but I'm not being kind I just want you out of my life.  
  
The rock dials 666.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Thank you.  
  
The group appears back in the kitchen.  
  
Belinda: Thought of your next wish yet?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh no. I know what's going on here.  
  
Belinda: What?  
  
Mr. Jameso: I tell you wishes and you find ways to ruin them.  
  
Belinda: Listen, nobody gets it right first time that's why you've got 7 wishes.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I'll believe you if you promise not to wreck this wish.  
  
Belinda: I promise.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Good. I wish I could relieve the best time of my life.  
  
Belinda: This is going to be fun.  
  
We cut to a scene where Mr. Jameso is dressed as a baby.  
  
Belinda: How's mummy's little babo babo woo woo?  
  
Mr. Jameso: I'm fine.  
  
Belinda: You're first word!  
  
Mr. Jameso: What are you going on about?  
  
Belinda: You're making sentences. Oh you're so clever.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Whatever?  
  
Mr. Jameso tries to stand up but falls down and starts crying.  
  
Belinda: Oh are you okay?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Yes but I'm hungry.  
  
Belinda: Did you say hungry? I think you did. I'll go get you some mashed peas.  
  
Belinda goes into the kitchen and Ken comes through the front door.  
  
Ken: Honey I'm home. Mr. Jameso!  
  
Mr. Jameso: Ken?  
  
Ken: He's talking already.  
  
Belinda: I know he's such a clever little boy.  
  
Ken starts tickling him under the chin.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Stop touching me.  
  
Ken: Someone's angry.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Where's my phone?  
  
Ken: Sorry little fella but you don't get your own phone till your sixteen okay.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Ah there it is. (Pulls it out of his nappy)  
  
Ken: Where'd he get that?  
  
Mr. Jameso dials 666 and is warped back to the kitchen.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I don't believe it.  
  
Ken: What?  
  
Mr. Jameso: The best time of my life was when I was baby.  
  
Belinda: I know. Pathetic isn't it?  
  
Mr. Jameso: I am not pathetic. And I'll prove it to you. I wish…  
  
Ken: Here it comes.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I was very, very handsome and very, very smart.  
  
Ken: Like me.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Yeah like him.  
  
Belinda: Great. I'll say the magic words Christine Aguilera! Alright Britney Spears!  
  
We stay on the same scene but we can't see Mr. Jameso:  
  
Mr. Jameso: Has it worked?  
  
Ken: Oh yes.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Cool.  
  
Mr. Jameso runs upstairs and looks into the mirror. He sees Ken's face looking back at him.  
  
Mr. Jameso/Ken: Oh no.  
  
He touches his face and then runs downstairs.  
  
Mr. Jameso/Ken: You turned me into Ken.  
  
Belinda: I didn't turn you into Ken I merely made you look like him.  
  
Ken: I think you look very handsome.  
  
Mr. Jameso/Ken: You would.  
  
Belinda: You said you wanted to be handsome and smart. Like Ken.  
  
Mr. Jameso/Ken: I didn't mean I wanted to look like him.  
  
Ken: What are you complaining about? The girls will be begging to go out with you.  
  
Mr. Jameso/Ken: Sure.  
  
He dials 666.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Am I back to normal?  
  
Ken: Yes, you're back with your old ugly face.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Shut up.  
  
Belinda: Happy with your wishes.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Happy! No matter what I wish for you always wreck it.  
  
Belinda: Oh I'm sorry.  
  
Mr. Jameso: All my wishes have been wastes of time so for my next wish I'm going to restart. I wish I had seven more wishes.  
  
Belinda: Are you sure?  
  
Mr. Jameso: Yes.  
  
Belinda: Fine. Done.  
  
Mr. Jameso: I've got seven more wishes?  
  
Belinda: No.  
  
Mr. Jameso: But that's what I wished for.  
  
Belinda: You didn't read the contract did you. It clearly states on page 831 that if you are greedy enough to wish for more wishes you lose a wish.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh great so now I've only got two wishes left.  
  
Belinda: Actually only one.  
  
Mr. Jameso: What? No.  
  
Belinda: Count them.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Okay I wasted one, I was turned into Ken, I was a baby again, I was a rock and everything was made silent. That's only five.  
  
Belinda: What about the Picnic?  
  
Mr. Jameso: The picnic? That wasn't one of them.  
  
Belinda: I'm afraid it was.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh and it didn't turn out right either.  
  
Belinda: I'm sorry.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh jeez I wish I was dead.  
  
Belinda: Done.  
  
She clicks her fingers.  
  
Mr. Jameso: No wait I didn't mean it.  
  
The smiley killer comes in stabs Mr. Jameso and walks back out.  
  
Belinda shakes her head and becomes Belinda again.  
  
Belinda: Mr. Jameso! He's dead. (Devil's voice) And I've got his soul.  
  
Ken: This is getting too weird I'm calling the exorcist.  
  
Ken opens the front door. Belinda runs upstairs.  
  
Ken: (Shouting) The exorcist!  
  
The Exorcist: Coming!  
  
A guy comes to his door.  
  
Ken: Who are you?  
  
The Exorcist: I'm Father Pineto. The Exorcist.  
  
Ken: You do exorcisms?  
  
Father Pineto: That's right.  
  
Ken: Then where's your holy cross?  
  
Father Pineto: I don't have one. I have a holy tick.  
  
He holds up a wooden tick.  
  
Father Pineto: I think ticks are much friendlier.  
  
Ken: Have you got some holy water?  
  
Father Pineto: Yes. The church was closed so I picked some up at Safeway.  
  
He holds up a bottle of holy water.  
  
Ken: Alright then.  
  
Father Pineto: So where's the possessed one?  
  
Ken: Upstairs  
  
Father Pineto: Good. I'll go begin the exorcism.  
  
In the bedroom.  
  
Father Pineto: (He holds out his tick) Be gone Satan be gone!  
  
Belinda: What is that?  
  
Father Pineto: It's a holy tick.  
  
Belinda: Oh scary!  
  
Father Pineto: Alright, you asked for it take that.  
  
He sprinkles holy water on her.  
  
Belinda: What are you doing?  
  
Father Pineto: I'm pouring holy water on you!  
  
Belinda: Give me a look at that bottle.  
  
He hands it to her.  
  
Belinda reading: 100% artificial holy water. Cheapo stuff.  
  
Ken: Do something.  
  
Father Pineto: I know! Have you seen "The Exorcist"?  
  
Ken: Yes. And by yes I mean no.  
  
Father Pineto: Well in "The Exorcist" he gets rid of the demon spirit by jumping out of the highest window in the house.  
  
Ken: I see.  
  
Father Pineto: Take me to your highest window.  
  
We cut to Ken, Belinda (with horns and tail) and Pineto standing in front of big window.  
  
Father Pineto: Hmmm.  
  
Ken: See look how high it is.  
  
Father Pineto: When I said high I meant, as in being high off the ground.  
  
Ken: Oh okay.  
  
We cut to three of them in front of another different high window.  
  
Father Pineto: You see this one again has the same problem. It's very high but it's on ground level.  
  
Ken: But look how high it is.  
  
Father Pineto: I know but jumping out of this window isn't going to make the devil leave.  
  
Ken: But look how high it is.  
  
Father Pineto: I know it's high but there's no point of jumping out of it.  
  
Ken: But look how high it is.  
  
Father Pineto: Okay we'll try it. Belinda, jump out of this window.  
  
Belinda opens the window and jumps out. He looks as if the devil has left here.  
  
Ken: Belinda is that you?  
  
Belinda: Dad it's worked the devil's gone!  
  
Father Pineto: My work here is done.  
  
Belinda: (Devil's voice) Just kidding.  
  
Father Pineto: Damn! I mean golly gosh. Golly gosh.  
  
We cut to Pro and Di still watching TV. They are watching Star Wars.  
  
Darth Vadar: Luke I am your father.  
  
Luke: I know that dad.  
  
Darth Vadar: And Luke I am your mother too.  
  
Luke: But how?  
  
Darth Vadar: You don't want to know.  
  
Di Rector: I do. (We cut back to Father Pineto, Belinda and Ken)  
  
Father Pineto: Well I give up. I've tried everything I can think of.  
  
He is standing on Belinda's tail and as she walks it is pulled off.  
  
Belinda: Dad it worked. I'm back to normal. 


	13. Final Scene

Scene 13: The Final Scene.  
  
1 Father Pineto: Really?  
  
He picks up the tail and it disappears.  
  
Ken: Oh thank you Father Pineto I'm so grateful. Whatever can I do to repay you?  
  
Father Pineto: You can pay me.  
  
Ken: Oh yes.  
  
Ken takes out of his wallet a hundred-dollar note and hands it to Father Pineto.  
  
Father Pineto: Thank you. Well I'd better be off then. But I will come back later to check on Belinda because sometimes repossessions can occur.  
  
Ken: Okay thank you. Bye.  
  
Father Pineto leaves.  
  
Ken: Well I'm glad that's over.  
  
He closes the door and they both start walking into the kitchen. The door blows open and the killer starts running towards it.  
  
Belinda: Dad the door!  
  
Ken quickly shuts the door and locks it. The killer is banging at the door.  
  
Belinda: Dad what are we going to do?  
  
Ken: Go grab a big knife Belinda.  
  
Belinda runs into the kitchen and comes back with a big knife.  
  
Ken: Alright on the count of three open the door and I'll stab him.  
  
Ken: One, two…  
  
David: Dad!  
  
David with bandages on his ears and a bloodstained shirt falls down the stairs.  
  
Ken: David I thought you were dead.  
  
David: It'll be okay just give me the knife.  
  
Ken hands him the knife and David opens the door. The killer has gone.  
  
David: He's gone.  
  
Suddenly the killer comes in from the kitchen and grabs Belinda around the neck.  
  
Ken: David kill him. He's mad!  
  
David: We all go a little mad sometimes.  
  
Ken: Not you David.  
  
David: Yes me dad. Daddy's little pride and joy. A killer.  
  
Ken: Then who's that?  
  
David: That's my partner.  
  
The killer takes his mask off revealing someone as the killer.  
  
Ken: You! Who are you?  
  
Kenny: I'm Kenny Osment. I used to live in this house. Take this David.  
  
David: Did you say something?  
  
Kenny: Catch this knife.  
  
David: Who? What?  
  
Kenny: I'm going to pass you this knife.  
  
David: Oh okay.  
  
Kenny throws the knife as David turns around he turns back and the knife goes into his stomach.  
  
David: Kenny!  
  
Ken: Oh David you stupid fool!  
  
David: Pardon?  
  
Ken: I said you're a stupid fool!  
  
David: Oh.  
  
David falls down dead.  
  
Ken: Oh just great.  
  
Kenny is holding both of them now.  
  
Ken: Run.  
  
Kenny: Oh no.  
  
Kenny smacks their heads together. They both collapse. Fade to black.  
  
We cut to in David's bedroom. Belinda is tied to the bunk bed and Ken is tied to a table in the middle of the room. They both have gags. Ken tries to say something.  
  
Kenny: Be quiet.  
  
He tries again.  
  
Kenny: Shut up.  
  
He tries again.  
  
Kenny: You do that again and I'll knock you out again.  
  
He does it again. Kenny rips of Ken's gag.  
  
Kenny: What is it?  
  
Ken: It's not me it's her.  
  
Kenny gets up and rips Belinda's off.  
  
Belinda: Ow!  
  
Ken: Why are you doing this?  
  
Kenny: Why? Why! So you still haven't figured it out.  
  
Ken: How could I have figured it out? I don't even know you.  
  
Kenny: Well I'll tell why. Last Halloweenie my son and I were murdered by that guy Mr. Jameso. Because he swore if anyone moved into this house he would kill them. But the real estate agent didn't tell me about that when he sold me the house. Did he? And do you know who that real estate agent was? Paul Lair. Your brother. So I killed him.  
  
Ken: So you're the idiot who tried to make it look as if Paul committed suicide. That fake suicide note you left. Dear Whoever, I have decided to leave this world. I am going to shoot myself in the head 6 times and then I will bury the gun in the backyard. From Paul. That was stupidest fake suicide note ever in police history.  
  
Kenny: Shut up and let me finish. After I killed him I thought we still weren't square because he made me lose my only family member Joey my son. So I decided to kill all his family members.  
  
Belinda: That's not very fair. It's not our fault you were sold this house.  
  
Ken: And anyway if Mr. Jameso killed you how come you're alive now?  
  
Kenny: I had a feeling you might ask that question. You see I was stabbed in the stomach so my body was dead but my brain was fine. So instead of taking me the morgue they took me to a secret laboratory.  
  
Flashback: A man with glasses is looking at the camera.  
  
Kenny: What's, what's going on?  
  
Scientist: Good morning Mr. Osment. Lets me be the first to tell you, you had a very horrible funeral. You know how in the movies it's always raining at funerals well at yours it was a real storm. Your coffin was too big for the grave so they just threw you in and covered your corpse with dirt.  
  
Kenny: Then how am I talking to you?  
  
Scientist: Your not talking to me I'm just hearing your thoughts. Because you're just a brain in a jar. You see when you got killed your body was dead but your brain was fine so we're going to put your brain in someone else's head. Is that okay with you?  
  
Kenny: Well…  
  
Scientist: Of course it is. Now go to sleep and when you wake up you'll be in your new body.  
  
The screen goes black.  
  
Kenny gets up and looks in the mirror. He is his normal self.  
  
Kenny: What's going on?  
  
Scientist: That body we put your brain in, well funnily enough it turned out to be the body of your twin brother Adrian.  
  
Kenny: I'm back!  
  
Back in the bedroom.  
  
Ken: And you thought it was a good chance to get revenge?  
  
Kenny: Of course.  
  
Ken: But what about David?  
  
Kenny: What about him? I meet him on a psycho's website. He was a pretty good find too. I wanted to kill the Lair's and he was one of them. The real reason he got you to move to this house was so I could kill you in my old house. Anyway…  
  
Ken: Hang on just one more question. If you were getting revenge on us why did you kill the actors?  
  
Kenny: Because they were crap. BADMOVIE STUDIOS have never made a decent film ever. All of them are dumb, pointless and make absolutely no…  
  
Man in backyard: Sense.  
  
Kenny: I just put everyone out of a whole lot of misery by killing all their usually actors. I was planning to kill that Pro Ducer and Di Rector but they were just too damn smart.  
  
We cut to Pro and Di eating yogurts.  
  
Di: Now this is how you eat a yogurt.  
  
He spins his spoon around and puts yogurt on his nose.  
  
Pro: I see but I prefer to do it like this.  
  
Pro just puts it in his mouth normally.  
  
Di: That's the sissy way.  
  
Pro: Oh yeah.  
  
A bang is heard and Pro and Di suddenly look scared.  
  
Kenny: Anyway enough of the talk it's time for you to die.  
  
Ken: What are you going to do?  
  
Kenny: Just my favourite Stupid Legend. The tonsil removal.  
  
Ken: Alright. (He opens his mouth) Ah.  
  
Kenny: Actually how about the kidney it'll hurt more.  
  
He stabs the knife into Ken's stomach.  
  
Ken: Stop that it tickles.  
  
Belinda has managed to undo her hands and she quickly unties Ken's feet.  
  
Kenny: Oh dear I think I may have stuck the knife in the wrong spot don't matter the first organ I'll see I'll rip out.  
  
Ken: I don't think so.  
  
He kicks Kenny into the wall and Belinda unties his hands.  
  
Ken: Go, go. You go downstairs I'll go up.  
  
Ken runs upstairs. He looks down at his bloody hands.  
  
Ken: Blood!  
  
Ken turns on the tap and starts washing his hands.  
  
Ken: My watch!  
  
Ken starts being electrocuted. The killer appears behind him and shoves his knife into Ken's back. They both are electrocuted. The killer falls headfirst into the toilet bowl and Ken falls onto the flusher. We cut to Belinda downstairs.  
  
Belinda: Dad are you okay? Dad?  
  
Belinda creeps upstairs and goes into the bathroom.  
  
Belinda: Oh no dad.  
  
She backs away noticing the killer. She picks up the knife and backs out the door. The killer jumps up. Belinda screams and closes the door, which the killer runs into. Belinda hides behind the door and when the killer comes she stabs him in the stomach. The killer falls down the stairs. Belinda runs downstairs and the killer follows her. There is a knife sticking out of the cupboard near the door. As the killer runs in front of the door it is pushed open and the killer is pushed onto the knife. It comes out his back. It is Father Pineto at the door.  
  
Father Pineto: I admit it! I'm the killer.  
  
Belinda: You were working with David and Kenny too?  
  
Father Pineto: No.  
  
He notices the dead killer.  
  
Belinda: You're not a killer you're a savior.  
  
Father Pineto: I am not a sailor. I don't even like boats.  
  
Belinda: Not a sailor a savior. You saved my life.  
  
Father Pineto: I guess I did. Let's get out of here.  
  
They start walking away.  
  
Belinda: But there's still something's I don't understand I mean why did the killer base some of his murders on Stupid Legends? And why did he have to kill the 3 newsreaders? And…  
  
Father Pineto: Don't worry about that Belinda I guess that some things should just remain mysteries.  
  
Belinda: Yeah. Hey, who'd you kill anyway?  
  
Father Pineto: Oh nobody important.  
  
We cut to the dead bodies of Pro and Di. Pro lying on the couch and Di are now angels. They are wearing halos and lights are shining on them.  
  
Pro Ducer: Get that light off are you trying to blind us?  
  
The light turns off.  
  
Pro: That's better. We lived the way we died inside a giant whale.  
  
Di Rector: You're missing the point. We're dead.  
  
Pro: Look on the bright side.  
  
He touches Di.  
  
Pro: You've been touched by an angel.  
  
The both start laughing.  
  
Di: Where are we to go? That tunnel to heaven is just to long and I don't want to have to walk down all those steps to Hell.  
  
Pro: I know this good pub. I think it's called The German Pub.  
  
Di: Great we'll go there. Where is it?  
  
Pro: I don't know America or something.  
  
Di: Okay lets go. Hey I wonder if we can fly there.  
  
They try to fly but they can't.  
  
Pro: Oh. We can't. But I bet we can go through walls.  
  
The run into a wall and fall over hurt.  
  
The credits run. 


	14. Extra Scene

Scene 14: Little scene after credits.  
  
The killer pulls himself off the knife and stands near the door. A fat boy starts running towards the door.  
  
Fat kid: I am the real, real big Micky the others were imposters.  
  
He trips on the step and the killer scream as Micky falls on him. Micky gets up and there is a pool of blood underneath him.  
  
Real, real big Micky: Oops.  
  
Fade to black.  
  
THE END. 


End file.
